This guy…..

Hubs

So there’s this guy I know and he’s pretty stinking awesome. He does this really amazing thing on a fairly regular basis because like I said he’s kinda awesome. I will openly admit that I’m not as awesome as he is in this particular department. I have a tendency to not see the people he sees. I walk past them with their signs or ignore them in the parking lots of stores. I get tired of “these” people because you never know who to trust these days. So I just ignore them. I promise you I’m not heartless I’m just being transparent.

But this guy……THIS. GUY. Has on so many occasions told me that he fed a homeless guy today. Or he bought a couple of them waters today. Or running to the store for me to pick up a few items he grabbed some extra things that the homeless guy sitting outside the store might need.  “THIS GUY”. Well, he’s my husband. Probably the most tender-hearted, trusting, and trust-worthy guy has on so many occasions thought about the homeless guy or gal in our town, and felt called to help.

So last week “THIS GUY” went to put gas in my truck so I wouldn’t have to. Sweet, right? Anyway, when he walked in the house after being so chivalrous I realized he wasn’t wearing a shirt.  I distinctly remember him leaving with a shirt on. I don’t’ think I could forget something as key as a shirt. But like I said he walked in the house without a shirt. None to be seen. I looked at him with the familiar questioning look, and he said, “You’re going to laugh at me”. I was sure he was right, but still couldn’t connect the dots as to what his shirt had to do with the laughter that would ensue. And then these words came out of his mouth, and I knew exactly what he did with his shirt. He said, ” This homeless guy…… He didn’t have to explain any further because I knew then that my husband had literally given the shirt off his back to someone who needed it more than he did. I didn’t laugh. I just smiled. Because I’m now used to the man that I married often seeing what I do not see. He sees someone in need. He even sees someone who has placed themselves in this position by choice or by uncontrollable circumstances and he doesn’t judge or wonder. He just DOES. He just answers the call that I feel God lays on his heart when he sees a homeless person, and he gives. He realizes that although we may not have a ton of money or a ton of anything we are far richer than so many in this world today. Far richer than even those in our own city. He’s just that kind of guy. So I wanted to acknowledge this guy because I often do not, and I thought this was pretty notable to mention.

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Mombie

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Some days I don’t even feel human-like. Sort of a vague resemblance of what a human is supposed to look like. A zombie. A MOMBIE!! Oh yes! A MOMBIE!!!!

Today wasn’t horrible, but I was certainly going through the motions. A call from Mega Camp telling me my son was having an allergic reaction started the day snowballing in the wrong direction, and by the time my husband got home from work at 7:30 pm all I could do was grunt answers at him. In fact, I should be finishing up the kitchen, but I’m blogging cause…….duh!

My realization that I’m a Mombie came about when I had to google what to write for a sample article. A lifestyle blog that I follow on IG is hiring for a social media position, and I definitely if not desperately need a job that I can do from home. While I was researching what to write I found a bazillion blogs on what to write for a blog. I guess it’s like reading a book on how to write books. Same thing, yes? I came across this blog that had “31 Post Ideas – Lifestyle Edition”.  As I read through this great list I realized I still couldn’t forge a sample article out of any these ideas. Why you may ask? Because I’m a Mombie. My life revolves around my littles 24/7. I can’t even turn my brain off from mommy duty if I wanted to. It is hard-wired now. I can wipe a boogie off my toddlers finger before she can even say “boogie mommy” while driving 70 down the freeway without even turning to look at her. My days revolve around what my kids want to eat, and who’s the next to poop. It’s a toss up from my 2 year old saying, “Poo poo mama” or my 5 year old screaming, “WIPE MY BUTT, MOM!!! I POOPED”!!!!!  However, if it’s a really good day we all get fully dressed, and go somewhere like the grocery store or maybe the park. Currently, we’re all waking up, and driving 20 minutes to take my 5 year old to Mega Camp. This my friends feels like FREEDOM!!! Picture a shirtless Mel Gibson (when he was still hot) riding a noble steed screaming “FREEDOM”!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mhmmmm…..I miss those days!

Sorry back to the original thought. If I had to blog about anything on this list it wouldn’t amount to much.

Here are just a few answers to some of those topics:

  • 10 Photos of your day in your cityI cannot remember the last time I went into the City. Oh wait…..I picked my cousin up from work at this hip restaurant that turns into a nightclub.
  • 5 books that have influenced you1)There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly 2) This Little Chick 3) Should I Share My Ice Cream? 4) Ninja Ninja Never Stop 5) Snuggle Bunny
  • Your favorite self-care products Soap
  • How you overcame a trialI told my husband I was done for the day, and then took a shower. Whew!
  • Your Tips for spring / summer organization – Purge it allllllll!!!!!
  • Your goals, with a follow-up (that’s TWO)I’m getting certified to become a Postpartum Doula. In progress……….
  • Your creative processI shower
  • Your favorite health product – Water
  • 3 books you didn’t like and why – I barely have time to read books I like much less spare time on a book I hate.
  • Your most recent shopping haul: Wait for it………………GROCERIES!
  • 10 movies that have influenced you:I don’t have time for that many movies these days so let’s go way back. “The Passion of the Christ” and “Trade”
  • Quotes that you love: “Your my best mom EVER”! Ya I love that quote
  • How to break off a bad friendship:  Unfriend them on Facebook
  • A current trend you’re loving: Sleeping longer than 5 hours
  • Advice you would give to your younger self: Don’t consume your thoughts with how “fat” you are.
  • How to make your home homey:  Keep it messy
  • 10 ways to be more productive: Uhhh….???

So my task to complete a sample article for this Lifestyle Blog isn’t flowing. I can’t think of anything smart, sassy, and chic to say about anything. My world is consumed with kids, kids t.v. shows, feeding kids, teachings kids, kisses from  my kids, disciplining kids, laughing with kids, playing with kids, oh and cleaning. That too! I do that ALL. THE. TIME.

I bow down to you mommy’s who can rock the latest fashions. Those that have a beautiful up-to-date designed home. The ones that are super crafty. The ones that are the next Master Chef. Especially those that run an at-home business while raising your littles. I want to be you when I grow up. Teach me your ways. No really….e-mail me or call me or facebook me or something. HELP!

Today I embrace the Mombie in me. I need to go finish the dishes. Enjoy this little video though before you go.

Super Mom needs a hug, prayer, a cleaning lady, a cook, a massage, a coffee, a babysitter……….

modern-mom           

I’ve been on hiatus from this blog thing. Pretty much because I’m too tired to write my thoughts down anymore. Actually I have a lot of posts that I started when I had this urge to write it out, and then a child distracted me and I never finished them. So maybe, just maybe in the far off future I will finish some of my thoughts. Today might in fact be one of those days.

I was going to write about how as moms we need to just take a deep breath and relax. Then I felt like a hypocrite because I’m the personification of not taking a deep breath and relaxing. In fact I don’t think I even know how to actually relax. The only time  I don’t keep going is because I’m so exhausted I can’t physically move. 🙂 I think I’m in that mode today. In fact, my almost 5 yr old & 2 year old are playing video games as I write this poignant piece. That’s right VIDEO GAMES! I despise video games, but right now I’m too tired to even care.

The reason I even ventured onto my cobweb filled blog was because there was a mama that touched my heart yesterday & I wanted to tell her that I would carry her burden for her. That if I could be Super Mom for her I would do it. I would take her responsibilities, worries, frustrations, anger, exhaustion, and just toss it up on my shoulders & carry it for her for as long as I could bear it. She broke my heart. Not because I don’t think that she’ll master this season in her life, but because as a mom myself I know the push or the idea we place in our own heads about what we’re supposed to be doing. How we are supposed to BE. We carry the worries and burdens of our families. We carry the worries and burdens of ourselves. We carry the frustration and heartbreak of things we cannot control. Because let’s face it ladies we  want to make it better for everyone. For ourselves. For our kids. Our spouses. If we could be a Fairy Godmother to those around us I think we would.

I have honestly sat back and watched this mama & say to myself ” I don’t know how she does it. She makes me tired just thinking about all the things she’s committed herself too”. And then I want to shake her & say just slow down! Relax! Don’t run all over everywhere! Just be! She is always smiling. She is always saying I’m fine, but yesterday she finally let go. Inside I was like yay!! But then I realized if this sweet cheeks of a lady was letting her hurt show then she must really be hurting!! It made me cry! It made me pray more than I have in a long time. I want God to give her peace, strength, and shower her with love. I want all of her stresses in life to be healed. I want the devil to get the middle finger for causing all this crap.

She’s not Super Mom or Super Woman. She is simply a woman, mom, wife, daughter, friend who needs the help of other women who knows exactly what she’s going through. Who are there to lift her up in prayer or bring her dinner or lend an ear.  I think we all need that. Regardless of the season of life we’re in or the ages of our children. Mom’s need that community of women to hold them up when they can’t lift a finger. When the burden of the world has been dumped right at their front door & no amount of cleaning can make that mess go away.

I’m bad at that myself. I’m a part of multiple moms groups via Facebook or Meet up or  Instagram. I rarely if ever actually go out to a meet up & have grownup conversation with moms who are going through the same things. It takes more energy for me to get the kids ready & out of the house to go so pretty much every time I don’t go. I found this meme on Instagram & couldn’t help but post it on my account because it explains the struggle:

“My life is a struggle of constantly wanting to go out and have fun with people and also avoiding human contact at the same time”

When I do manage to get together with a friend or other moms my tank has been refueled and I feel like a normal person again, but I go far too long to get it filled up again. I’m pretty much running on fumes EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This is when I’m hoping other moms out there can enable their ability to read minds and just know that I need someone or that any mom needs someone. Mine needs fine tuning, but maybe in the future I’ll be able to see other moms out there who may need help or a coffee or a night out or dinner brought to them even if they didn’t just have a baby. Sometimes us moms just need dinner to be cooked for us rather than wondering how or what we’re feeding our families EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

So this week I’m going to help out that mama I was talking about. I’ll drag my kids with me & we’ll have a gaggle of children while we “organize” or complain or pray or cry or laugh or all of the above.  I’m hoping we’ll be able to fill our tanks, and manage to make ourselves feel more like people and not like the crazy zombie like creatures we play on t.v. Shoot! I might even put make-up on. Then again I might not.

SO to the mama out there that I’m talking about. You know who you are. Dang! I hope she reads this. You are a gem my friend! You are light to so many young & old. I know you are wading your way through a lot of garbage these days, but know that I’m here for you. I’m here praying. I’m here to call, text, message, or whatever. It’s ok to breakdown and allow yourself time to just let go. Allow yourself to not run all over the world & do things WHATEVER those things are.   You are only human which means you aren’t Super Woman!! So take a breath! Reach out for help with whatever that is for you, and know that I love you and that so many do.

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When mom is sick

So there aren’t many perks when your husband is unemployed, but when I’m sick having him home is helpful. He takes care of the kids, cooks breakfast, fixes lunch, cooks dinner or gets take out, changes diapers, does dishes, & let’s me nap.
So wouldn’t ya know it. He got a call for a few days of work. I went to bed super early last night, and by super early I mean 10 pm. And when I say I went to bed I mean I physically got into bed, but grabbed my Kindle and started reading. Anyway, From 12:45 am up until 6 am my little munchkin woke up 5 times. The universe was against me from the start. Which means I was grumpy this morning, but trying to desperately embrace the moment and not let my sour mood dictate my day.
Being sick is miserable. Being sick with littles is miserable x infinity. 😷
I still have to cater to everyone while trying to not overdo it. So far Eisley has managed to spill juice on my freshly mopped floor. Ok so I mopped yesterday cause I couldn’t stand it even though my hubs was trying to grab the mop out of my hands. She’s also managed to spill hot chocolate in the EXACT spot she spilled the juice & then proceeded to dump her Cheerios underneath the table so the dog would eat them.

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Plus it’s been a poop fest over here. The one that never poops let the floodgates open & the one that always poops continued to poop. Sorry no pictures of that.
Plus, the house has gone awry. It’s a hot mess.

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No pretty filters for these pics. That’s all you get to see. There’s a limit to the shame I’m comfortable with showing. Use your imagination. Plus, no Awana’s for us tonight. 😞 we don’t want to spread the love & my mommy is bringing us dinner.
Please Lord let this sickness pass quickly. It’s sucks!
And just for fun a photo dump:

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…..and she laughs without fear of the future.

I can see her. She is fearless. Worn by time. Worn by life. Worn by fighting the unseen. Striving to always be good enough. Trying to fight the battles she hides from others. She has fought through years from one side to the other.

In the beginning………….

She was full of fear. Full of questions. Full of tears. Wondering what the future held. Wondering why these things had to happen. Questioning. Always questioning. With each question she received no answers. The silence filled her up. She began to wonder if there really was an answer to any of her questions.

And then………………..she laughs without fear of the future.

I love this verse Proverbs 31:25
She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

The first time I read this my throat tightened up and I could barely squeak out a word. Tears fell from my eyes and I looked up and prayed to God to make me just like her. Strength. Dignity. Beautiful to me. What struck me was she laughs without fear of the future. SHE LAUGHS! Laughs as if whatever the future holds will not phase her. Will not sway her. Will not cause her to stumble. Will not falter her. Anything and everything can come her direction and SHE. LAUGHS. I try to imagine from my lense what that could possibly look like. I can’t quite see it. For fear has seemed to set up shop in mind, heart, and soul.

I imagine that she was once like me. Fearful of what could be. Fearful of what has already happened. Fearful of what she knows is to come. Fearful of the present. A laundry list of fears. Yet she has come through it and …..”she laughs without fear of the future”.

When I grow up I want to be her.

Critically Critical

It’s Friday night and my greatest accomplishment is that I’ve managed to mop my kitchen floor. It’s been 2 weeks……… ok it’s been like 3 ish weeks and it desperately needed it. My Friday nights rock!!

I’m in confession mode. Or maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I’m really struggling with this particular issue. I pick D) all of the above.

I’m going to pour my heart out to all that will stumble across this long abandoned blog. I suffer from compareatinitis. This is my feeble attempt to be witty and make up a word. Which apparently I don’t rock at. I confess that I compare myself to other mothers!! GASP!! The horror!! I know, right? Who does that!?!?!? Me. Everyday. All day. It seems that way lately. In this social media world with Pinterest, Blogs, websites, and anything else I can manage to stumble upon. It shows a world in which Super moms exist not only to run a stellar house, but now they blog about it. They blog about how to clean, entertain, homeschool, be a fashionista, cook, be green,interior design, have a wonderful marriage, run a business from home, etc, etc, etc…………….

Then there’s Pinterest which connects me to all the blogs and shows me how I pale in comparison to all these super moms.

For example: I’m not the girliest girl out there. I haven’t always been the make-up/hair stylin kind of girl. I prided myself on going make-up free & not caring. All the while wishing I could be that girl that loved all that girly stuff. So lately in my attempt to be that girly girl & stay up-to-date on the cutest hair styles/make-up/fashion trends I decided that I would do something cute, quick, & easy to my hair for a night out with friends. Ummmm……..never happened!! That quick 5 minute chic hair do that I was doing badly was making me cry. I spent so much time on that 5 minute quick hair-do that I began to lose feeling in my arms. I started tearing up. Said screw it. Slapped on my daring on trend red lipstick I just bought and prayed that it didn’t look like I was America’s Next Top Street Walker.

I wake up everyday with a laundry list of things to do and I never seem to accomplish them. Maybe I’m still adjusting to having 2 kids. A 4 month old and a 3 year old. I’m exhausted! I’m lucky enough to get a shower every 3 – 4 days. No joke. There are days where I think I’ve got this 2 kid thing down & then my little goose throws a tantrum because I took the lid of his yogurt and he wanted to do it or he couldn’t watch a show. Or one of those days where I’m looking forward to nap time & neither one of them nap or they sleep at opposite times so I have zero time to recharge my batteries or pee. Or I lose my cool and yell at my son when it wasn’t even worth getting upset about or how I would love to have at least 5 consecutive hours of sleep. Or my To Do list never seems to end & then I try to remind myself that babies grow up too fast & to enjoy my time with them. However, my self diagnosed OCD kicks in & I have to get everything done NOW. It’s this horrible cycle that I get into and I beat myself up because so & so does this, that, & the other and doesn’t even seem phased by it all. I am forever hard on myself and forever telling myself to CTFD.

I know that comparing myself to other “super” moms is ridiculous but it seems impossible to use logic when sleep deprivation makes it all so much BIGGER than it really is.

Then I stumble across this and read through tear-filled eyes knowing that this is what I do and knowing that it’s not helping me at all. This truth about what comparison does to your soul. How can I be present for my babies when I’m always comparing myself to others. When I’m down on myself because she has it all together. Or look this pinterest mom says you should never say this to your son, but only this because if you don’t then he’ll grow up to hate woman. I feel like I’m forever screwing up, not measuring up to that woman over there, and all the while robbing myself and my kids of a mom they love no matter what. They love me just the way I am with my typical hair in a pony look, wearing the clothes I wore to bed the night before, and long since abandoning all modesty and peeing with the door open. They don’t care and maybe I shouldn’t either.

Babywise: Controversial or no big deal?

Whew!!!!!!!!!! It’s been ages since I posted anything on my blog. Sorry to say I just haven’t been feelin’ the blog world since my last post. However, I couldn’t bring myself to delete it so I thought I’ll post when the mood arises. And you guessed it….the mood has arisen.  Hmmm….is that grammatically correct?

So anywho, I was just reading a blog and she had mentioned that she uses Babywise with her twin daughters. Now, I have never read the book. I’ve basically gotten the run down from other blog posts and friends who use it. I know that some people are STRONGLY opposed to it while others are STRONGLY for it.  I did consider reading the book before I had my son, but I never got around to it.

I would say that before having a baby I was very much the type of person that was determined to have my baby not run my life. As I got closer to having my first baby I was beginning to realize that it might not be so cut and dry. Once I have my adorable son I was hit hard with the reality that was a newborn. Along with having our  son we discovered he had acid reflux, and locking him down tight with a feeding schedule. sleep schedule, and play schedule wasn’t going to happen. I was very stressed!!! Extremely stressed!!!  I think I was still trying to control what I couldn’t when it came to the acid reflux and getting him down for naps. Wasn’t happening. Even though there were/are skeptics out there that thought I was letting the acid reflux “control” me. Something I learned quickly with a reflux baby was that I couldn’t force a schedule on him. So it became more about seeing what he was doing and trying to make a schedule from that.

Now that I am pregnant with my second baby I realize that I’m going to go with the flow. I’m going to take my cues from this little bundle of joy and see how it goes. Now that doesn’t mean I’m all about attachment parenting, but neither am I for Babywise parenting either. Somewhere in the middle perhaps.

Again I have never read the book so I am curious what others think about.  Anyone out there a firm believer of the Babywise Method? Anyone strongly opposed to Babywise? Is there anyone who has used it, loved it, and then decided after so many babies that it was no longer for them?  I would love to hear from you out there. Feel free to sound off.

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What did I want to be when I grew up you may ask. Or most likely not.

I wanted to be so many things. Singer, dancer, photographer, teacher, cop, nurse, doctor, writer, pianist, super model, actress, chef, professional reader ( if this were only a profession I would be RICH!)

One day over lunch my friend and I were discussing our purposes in life. I have often felt that I really don’t have a “talent” per say. I don’t think that I excel at any one thing. So she asked me, “if you could be in your dream job write now what would it be”?  It felt like an eternity had passed before I answered her. My mind ticked off all the things that I had wanted to be. All the things I actually tried to be and only one thing remained. I tried this when I was a little girl, I tried this when I was in high school, I did this often in my journals. If I could be in my dream job or if I could be anything in the world what would I be? I looked at my friend and said,  “A Writer”.  The look on her face was one of shock. I wish I could’ve recorded her reaction. It was something I’ll never forget. She looked at me and said, “Really?  I never knew that”.  I realized that there was no way that she would’ve ever known that. I don’t talk about it much. I don’t write much anymore. People have seen me as a 9-5 girl, an amateur photographer, striving to be an ASL interpreter, wanting to become a doula, but I don’t think that anyone would really know that what I’ve always wanted to be was a writer.

My dream as a little girl was to write a novel. I desperately wanted to be an author!! Oh how I couldn’t wait to write my first novel. I would strategize on what my story would be about. As time went on my stories would change. I would begin writing and get so deep into the characters that I was lost in the story. I always had a hang up thought. First, trying to write a novel is so detailed. I’m not sure I’m in that caliber of writers.  Second, I would begin doubting myself as I often do.

I’m also an avid reader. Literally, since I could sound out words I devoured books. I lived in books. I couldn’t get enough of them!! The more I thought about actually trying my hand at writing the more I would begin doubting myself. I mean think about it. Have you read some of the books out there? Oh my gosh!!! They are so  in depth, so detailed, so all consuming. I’ve just never been sure I’m capable or at the level of some of these people.

Anyhow, this is how the blog started I suppose.  My #1 fan a.k.a. my other half thought it would be good for me to blog it out. So to speak.  He said I would be so good at it. I’d have so much to write about.   And what did I say? “Not so much”.  I mean I admit I certainly dove in to see what I could accomplish.  I realize that the blog world is HUGE!!! There are like super mom’s out there for real!! These women manage to do it all and then blog about it and make money at it.   I on the other hand can’t manage to keep the t.v. off long enough for want of a better activity for my toddler occasionally.  Some of these women are AH! MAZING!! at their writing skills. I am blown away.  For a time I really dove deep. I really tried to find my resources, expand my bloggy friends, and think of topics to write about. Hello! Is it just me or can this blog thing be exhausting? I mean more power to the peeps that make money doing it cause it’s A LOT OF WORK! You deserve to get paid.

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m saying here. I don’t have a theme to my blog. I’m a stay-at-home-mom, but does anyone care to know how awesome my son is?   Or that he IS the cutest kid on the planet. By the way that’s been officially settled. God and I had a chat and He said that my kiddo was the cutest! Just sayin.  I thought I could get my creative juices flowin with the blog and the writing and the whole thing. Lately, there is less than an ounce of creative in me. I’ve been debating politics non-stop it seems. Maybe that’s it! Maybe that’s why I can’t kick start my writing abilities.  If it is I blame you Nicole  & Patrick. You’ve sucked the creative right out of me!!

With all that randomness being said.  I’m not sure I’ll continue on in my blog career. I don’t know what to write about. Except for not knowing what to write about because apparently there’s a lot to write about when there’s nothing to write about. Go figure.  We shall see what the future holds.

This is the part where all my quiet followers ( If there are any) scream and yell via comments that I don’t give up. That I fight the good fight. That I keep on Keeping on!!!

Feel free to be one of those people 🙂

Chubby hands on my face

Since my little goose was sick many weeks ago it’s been quite the transition to get him back in his own bed. I feel 100% better when he sleeps in bed with me when he’s sick just so I can be right there if I need to be. Plus, if he sleeps in his own bed I’d most likely be camped out in his room checking him every 5 seconds to make sure he was ok. Having him in my bed while he’s sick makes it comfortable for all involved. Sort of. The issue afterwards is getting him back in his bed. What tends to happen is we do our typical bedtime routine: brush teeth, put lotion on, change diaper, read story, pray, & then mom crawls into his little toddler bed with him and waits until he falls asleep.  Now sometimes I don’t mind this as it gives me time to just relax, but other times I feel like I’m being held hostage in his room. The slightest move and his eyes shoot open and he’s patting the bed saying, “mommy”. In his oh so adorable little voice that is hard to refuse.  Then there are other nights where I just leave and then we have a battle on our hands.

I have a bad habit though when I go to lie down with him. I take my addicting iphone with me so that I can waste time until he drifts off to sleep.  I often beat myself up with how I waste more time on the dreadful phone then just enjoy the quiet time with my baby. I admit that I do it pretty much all the time. Basically, cause I want him to fall asleep so that I can go back out and continue my 24/7 job as a SAHM.  However, last night I set my phone aside and just spent quiet time with my little goose.

In those moments last night I stared in awe at the fact that this little guy is mine. That I was abundantly blessed the day that I found out I was pregnant. That God entrusted me with such a sweet, outgoing, sometimes shy, happy, joyful little boy.  He looks just like me so that makes it all the more surreal.  Every time I take the time to just be with him I always start tearing up (like I am now).  I am just amazed that he is mine. I am amazed at how much LOVE I have for this little goose of mine. He is so precious to me! I cannot imagine my life without him and I can barely remember life before him.  He has taken my life and turned it upside down and right side up again. He makes me want to be a better wife, mother, christian, person.  He makes me want to learn all the martial arts/fighting styles in the world so that if anyone every hurts him I can fight back. Although Krav Maga seems pretty fierce!  He makes me want to discover new things and rediscover the old simply so that I can see it through his eyes. He makes me want to pull out my hair when I am at a loss as to how I can effectively discipline him and get the results I want.  He makes hugs and kisses the best part of my day.

So last night as we were lying in his bed he put both his little chubby hands on either side of my face, looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes and said, ” Mommy, I Uv Ew”.  I smiled and a little tear slid down my cheek.

I’m notorious for letting it all get to me. I can get wound up quick and worry about it all. But last night when he did that and then continued to hold my face and look at me and say mommy over an over. I didn’t have a care in the world. I didn’t care that I was being “held hostage” in his room.  I didn’t care about all his birthday party details. I didn’t care. I just wanted to stay there with his little chubby fingers on my face and never leave.

To Be or Not To Be……Is that the question?

I’ve been a SAHM for almost two years now, and if asked I wouldn’t want to change it. After my son was born or actually before my son was born my hubs told me he wanted me to stay home and raise our son.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halle….lu…jah”!!!!! Seriously, I’m pretty sure I broke into song when he told me this.

After being married for 4 years and earning a higher income I figured I had paid my dues and I DESERVED to stay home with my sweet baby boy.  Then the worry set in. I was FUH. REAKED! OUT! about how we would possibly survive when I was the one making more money.  I managed to put this thought out of my head and prepared to have our bundle of joy. Two weeks after my son was born he was diagnosed with acid reflux. For those that don’t know about babies with acid reflux it’s no picnic in the park. It’s pretty much a nightmare. With his acid reflux came mountains of doctors appointments, ultrasounds, Upper GI’s, blood work, etc, etc etc……My little goose was poked and prodded more than your average adult due to other medical issues with his acid reflux. He was just a step above failure to thrive.  I was one stressed mommy undoubtedly dealing with post partum depression, a screaming sick baby, and this overwhelming sense of having to go back to work in order to survive financially.  I even plotted my own secret work schedule thinking that my hubs would never know I had actually been working.  It went something like this:  leave little goose with MIL, go to work after hubs, work 6ish hours or so, be home before hubs gets home, and he’ll never know. I’m not joking. This is what I had managed to make sound reasonable to myself.  During Operation Work in Secret my hubs was adamant that I stay home with our son due to his many health issues, and that it would be better for me mentally. Not sure that was the case though.  As my time approached to return to work I could no longer justify returning even in secret. So I called and I quit. Nuff said.

Even with the relief of being a SAHM it wasn’t always sunshine and lollipops as previously mentioned. I struggled with feeling like I wasn’t contributing enough financially. Actually I wasn’t contributing financially at all. Logically, I know the insane amount I contribute to my husband, son, home, even myself by being a stay-at-home-mom. I would be lying if I said that I’m completed by my new position as a SAHM. I still struggle with feeling like I should be doing something more. With that being said I would much rather wake up in the morning to my son shoving a finger in my face saying, “Mommy, boogie”.  Then wake up and drag myself out of bed, get ready for work, take my kid to daycare, and work 8 hours, come home, cook, clean, bedtime for baby, time with husband, and whatever else I can possibly do.  But again I would be lying if I said that I sometimes wish I did more in the grown up world. Even now I’m not sure I’m articulating it properly.

For example, I would like to become a doula. It seems as of late that the journey to get there hasn’t been easy and it’s mostly financial. I’ve had two opportunities to do this and both times the money hasn’t been there to do it. Which has bummed me out and sends me into this questioning state. I also applied for a Volunteer Doula Program thinking that this would jump start me in the right direction. I wasn’t accepted and this is why I am yet again questioning my role in life.

Q & A with myself:

Do I love being a SAHM?  Yes, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Do I feel like I’ve failed in the work department?  Yes, in the since that I never found my “niche” in life.

Do I feel like maybe I’m being ungrateful with the opportunity to stay at home?  Yes, I sometimes battle with myself thinking that maybe God thinks I’m not accepting of the gift He’s given me.  That I should realize that this is my JOB.  That this is my CALLING. And I should just basically come to accept it.

Do I now struggle with moving forward with becoming a Doula?  Yes, I do. I really feel strongly about how doula’s are an integral part in a woman’s labor and wishing that I had one, but I wonder if this is just not meant to be.  But desperately wanting to do it.

Maybe the answer lies in being more social. If I did more things with other mommies and gave myself more time with friends or just me time would I still feel this way?