If there is ONE thing I’ve learned as a mother. It’s this: IT.IS.HARD. This doesn’t mean that it’s not full of love or tender moments or realizing that this is the BEST thing that you’ve ever done. It just means it’s all of that wrapped into one.
Since becoming a mom I’ve realized a few things. I’m a MOM!! I promise you’ll have that moment a few times a day and many times a week. I look at my 4 year old and 16 month old and I kind of have this moment where I realize for the millionth time that I’m in fact a mother to 2 very amazing and adorable little people. Another thing which I’ve stated is that it’s hard. And yet another thing that I’ve found important is raising them for Christ.
I’ve fretted over how I was going to do this. How can I make my kids be like those other little kids that can say verses word for word & know the love of God? How could I be that mom who saturates her kids in God 24/7? I’ve wanted to be those moms. I have failed miserably. I’ve learned that you can tell your kids this & that, but if they don’t see you do it. If they don’t see you live it then they themselves won’t do it. I’m the worst when it comes to reading the Bible. THE. WORST. I will even go as far as saying since having kids it’s been worse than that. Which I never thought possible, but it’s possible. Trust me! I’ll pick it up and start a Bible study only to set it to the side and never finish it. Hello! I have more important things to do like wash the dishes, laundry, change diapers, dust, make appointments, worry about my husband finding a job, worry about the lack of money coming in, worry, worry, worry……………………………….. I come from a long line of worriers and I’m winning!
I’m sort of getting off track here. I struggle daily with a lot of things. Wanting to be a good mom, wife, friend, Christian, person. It’s been a rough year. I’ve struggled with God. Or fought with God. Or went between what’s the point to look at what He’s done for me. I honestly feel like my kids have seen it. They might now have understood it, but it came out through my crying or yelling or just not trying. In those moments when I’m talking to God or trying to understand why things have happened the way they have I end up coming back to what I know. God. Christ. What He’s done for me.
I desperately want to be in love with God. I yearn for it. I feel like I don’t know how to get there. I feel like the walls are in place and because of that my kids can feel it. See it. Hear it. I don’t want my kids to grow up not knowing what God can do, not knowing the LOVE of God simply because I can’t wrap my brain around it. I want to raise them for Christ. I don’t want it to be words in my mouth. I want it to be a reality.
So because of that I thought I would pick up my Bible again. I thought I would open it and see what He has to offer. I went to shereadstruth.com and figured I would just read whatever they had on tap for this week. Instead I randomly picked a Bible study to study. I’m that person that likes to close her eyes & put my finger on a verse in the Bible in hopes that God will magically speak through that scripture. I’ve landed my finger many a time on those verses that read something like (this is the land of ‘ites) and thought well what am I supposed to get out of this?? Today however I randomly chose one of their studies and I chose Hosea. I wasn’t expecting it to be any special message from God, but I think that it is. And I’ll tell you why.
“If you feel like a mess today, the book of Hosea is for you”. This is me EVERYDAY.
“If you long to love Jesus more, but there are idols towering over your head and heart, the book of Hosea is for you”. I imagine that my constant worrying could very much be an idol. I mean I focus on that much more than I do the Word of God or I don’t know anything else.
“……….and you wonder if He’s walked away, the book of Hosea is for you”. I have felt the void of God for close to a year now. Since the death of my uncle and I’ve had such a hard time getting back to where I think I should be.
Maybe this is what I need. I’m going to finish this study. I hope someone holds me accountable. Maybe through this I can begin to finally see God. See my kids being raised how I want them to. Not because of what I say to them, but because they see me live it. They see me open my Bible. They see me BELIEVE it. Now isn’t that the proof.
We’ll wait and see………………