Usually after reading Hosea for the day I can’t stop my fingers from flying across the keyboard, but tonight is different somehow.
Twos verses stood out to me:
Hosea 6:4 “What can I do with you, Ephraim?
What can I do with you, Judah?
Your love is like the morning mist,
Like the early dew that disappears.”
The last 2 lines of the verse are what struck me. Their loyalness and faithfulness only lasted as long as the dew lasts in the morning before it evaporates. I could only relate it to myself when I leave church on Sundays. If I go at all that is. I feel His presence when I’m there. When I leave though is the test. Life gets to me. Life breaks me down. Some created because my constant worry or my constant need to push myself or rely only on myself or whatever it may be. I walk out of church and it’s like I immediately zone in on the 5 million things that I have to get done when I get home. The list of things that need to get done during the week and so on. And just like that my faithfulness has evaporated. It happens that quick sometimes. I mean in the blink of an eye I feel it all falling in on me. My kids see it. I want them to see something else. I want them to see the spirit of God on me everyday. I know the “life” happens, but I want them to see that HE is life. I want them to see me go to Him when I feel shackled to the everyday. I want them to not see a frazzled mom, but a mom that takes it to God and rolls with it. Anyway, this verse is not lost on me. I see myself in it.
Which leads me to the next verse. Initially this didn’t knock the wind out of me or start a blubbering sob fest. It took a bit of time to percolate before it really got under my skin.
“So he got up and went to his father. ‘But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and he was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” Luke 15:20
This is about the Prodigal son. The sheer joy and break from custom that this father showed when he realized his son had returned is kind of unbelievable. I sat here on my couch re-reading that verse and trying to imagine one of my uncles doing this. Trying to imagine my husband, my Uncle Larry, my Uncle Steve, or even my brother running towards me with pure joy all over their faces. I started laughing out of the ridiculousness of it. I wish I could say it was a small voice or a loud voice or God started texting me, but it was just this quick whisper of a thought ” Can you imagine me doing that for you?”
Can you imagine that? I’m trying. I’m really trying. I feel like there’s a battle going on with what I know. With what I’ve been studying. With what I can feel, and then there’s the other part where I can’t imagine why God would love me so deeply. It’s something still so hard for me to comprehend and yet I know logically he does. Is any of this making sense?
That question is on a loop in my head. Each time I try to picture Christ running towards me. CHRIST RUNNING TOWARDS ME!!!! Even that part is hard for my brain to make into a picture. Then he throws his arms around ME and kisses ME! It’s like a feel a brush of a kiss when I think about it, but it’s not a reality that I can wrap my brain around. But oh how I want to collapse into His arms, and cry a million tears that I cry alone. How I want to fall into his lap, and tell Him I’ve always believed, but sometimes Satan chewed me up and spit me out. Oh How I want Him to know that even when I doubted Him. Even when I was angry with Him that I still believed it’s just I didn’t always keep my eye on the ball.