Manic Monday

This is where she ate soap

This is where she ate soap

Today is Monday………………..

I feel like I don’t need to write much more because everyone will understand. For some reason I also feel like I need to put this out in the blogosphere and get it off my chest. Maybe it’ll make me feel less anxious.

Today was filled with busyness on my end. I spent the whole day applying for CalFresh or what others call…… food stamps. California is trying to spin it in a positive light or some kind of light, but nothing is more difficult then to come to a place such as this and not have some kind of shame or frustration or embarrassment. Yes, I just put that out there. Food Stamps. This is where I’m at in my life right now and it is hard. My husband is currently unemployed and wouldn’t you know it I’m a stay-at-home-mom. It is really hard to write it, to put it out there, and yet that’s what I’m doing. The hubs is actively looking for work, and applying for everything in his field. I have dusted off my resume and I’m trying to explain my 4 year absence from the work force. I’ve sat and stared at my computer screen a lot more than I’ve freshened up my resume. Which means I’ve stared at it, typed, erased, typed, erased, and then walked away in frustration to return to it at some later date.

So there’s that. Then my knight and shining armor watched our kiddos while I did some exhaustive work applying for CalFresh. Who knew you had to have the blood of your first born child on hand to get this stuff???? You don’t, but it certainly feels like I should have that on hand just in case they need it. Gah!! I did sort of forget something important. I never ended up getting my daughters birth certificate after she was born so now I have to go to the county office to get that. Fun!! It’s only been 15 months. No biggie.

To really understand my day it went something like this:

6:50 am: Eisley wakes up crying & screaming “Mama, MAMA, MAAAMAAAA, MAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
I ignore her. Although she’s right next to me in her Pak N Play

7:00 am: Cash starts stirring & waking up. Eisley hears the sound of his movement and begins to cry for me more.

7:04 am: I turn over & grab her to lay next to Cash and I. This is where I should explain that I stayed at my moms last night because the house we rent has some “issues” with lack of insulation and the house heating up like an oven no matter how much the AC runs.

7:30 am: We finally get out of bed. I quickly rush breakfast so that I can get home & start ticking off things on my To Do list.

9:00 am: Get the kids in the truck, drive home, & I don’t remember what I did.

9:25ish am: Get home drop all our things in the living room and start bustling around, Laundry, sweeping, feeding kids.

9:30am – 2:30pm: Hole myself up in the office/spare room/laundry room (Multi-purpose room)
Spend FOREVER applying, scanning, typing, hitting the back key too many times where it logs me out completely & I have to start over. All the while Eisley is screaming MAAAAMAAAAA A LOT. I did take a break to put her down for a nap & grab something to eat. Oh I did some laundry too.

2:30pm I come out of my cave & realized I haven’t grocery shopped and I don’t know what we’ll do for dinner.

3:30 pm: Panic cause I still haven’t made a grocery list & we don’t have much food in the house. Manage to figure something out for dinner. Meanwhile I send Brandon to the store to buy Alfredo Sauce & French Bread.

3:30-6:00pm Cooking dinner, more office work, and playing with kids, changing diaper, etc

6:40pm : Dinner is over.

7:00pm: Brandon heads out with Cash to take him to the park while I bathe Eisley. This is when she ate soap & cried the rest of the bath

7:30-8:00 Bath over, she peed on me, & story time.

8:00-10:00 pm: Both kids fought bedtime & I still haven’t written out my grocery list.

That was my day & I know you all are excited I stopped to write about it. I feel better. 🙂

And then she peed on me

And then she peed on me

…..and she laughs without fear of the future.

I can see her. She is fearless. Worn by time. Worn by life. Worn by fighting the unseen. Striving to always be good enough. Trying to fight the battles she hides from others. She has fought through years from one side to the other.

In the beginning………….

She was full of fear. Full of questions. Full of tears. Wondering what the future held. Wondering why these things had to happen. Questioning. Always questioning. With each question she received no answers. The silence filled her up. She began to wonder if there really was an answer to any of her questions.

And then………………..she laughs without fear of the future.

I love this verse Proverbs 31:25
She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

The first time I read this my throat tightened up and I could barely squeak out a word. Tears fell from my eyes and I looked up and prayed to God to make me just like her. Strength. Dignity. Beautiful to me. What struck me was she laughs without fear of the future. SHE LAUGHS! Laughs as if whatever the future holds will not phase her. Will not sway her. Will not cause her to stumble. Will not falter her. Anything and everything can come her direction and SHE. LAUGHS. I try to imagine from my lense what that could possibly look like. I can’t quite see it. For fear has seemed to set up shop in mind, heart, and soul.

I imagine that she was once like me. Fearful of what could be. Fearful of what has already happened. Fearful of what she knows is to come. Fearful of the present. A laundry list of fears. Yet she has come through it and …..”she laughs without fear of the future”.

When I grow up I want to be her.