I wanted to be so many things. Singer, dancer, photographer, teacher, cop, nurse, doctor, writer, pianist, super model, actress, chef, professional reader ( if this were only a profession I would be RICH!)
One day over lunch my friend and I were discussing our purposes in life. I have often felt that I really don’t have a “talent” per say. I don’t think that I excel at any one thing. So she asked me, “if you could be in your dream job write now what would it be”? It felt like an eternity had passed before I answered her. My mind ticked off all the things that I had wanted to be. All the things I actually tried to be and only one thing remained. I tried this when I was a little girl, I tried this when I was in high school, I did this often in my journals. If I could be in my dream job or if I could be anything in the world what would I be? I looked at my friend and said, “A Writer”. The look on her face was one of shock. I wish I could’ve recorded her reaction. It was something I’ll never forget. She looked at me and said, “Really? I never knew that”. I realized that there was no way that she would’ve ever known that. I don’t talk about it much. I don’t write much anymore. People have seen me as a 9-5 girl, an amateur photographer, striving to be an ASL interpreter, wanting to become a doula, but I don’t think that anyone would really know that what I’ve always wanted to be was a writer.
My dream as a little girl was to write a novel. I desperately wanted to be an author!! Oh how I couldn’t wait to write my first novel. I would strategize on what my story would be about. As time went on my stories would change. I would begin writing and get so deep into the characters that I was lost in the story. I always had a hang up thought. First, trying to write a novel is so detailed. I’m not sure I’m in that caliber of writers. Second, I would begin doubting myself as I often do.
I’m also an avid reader. Literally, since I could sound out words I devoured books. I lived in books. I couldn’t get enough of them!! The more I thought about actually trying my hand at writing the more I would begin doubting myself. I mean think about it. Have you read some of the books out there? Oh my gosh!!! They are so in depth, so detailed, so all consuming. I’ve just never been sure I’m capable or at the level of some of these people.
Anyhow, this is how the blog started I suppose. My #1 fan a.k.a. my other half thought it would be good for me to blog it out. So to speak. He said I would be so good at it. I’d have so much to write about. And what did I say? “Not so much”. I mean I admit I certainly dove in to see what I could accomplish. I realize that the blog world is HUGE!!! There are like super mom’s out there for real!! These women manage to do it all and then blog about it and make money at it. I on the other hand can’t manage to keep the t.v. off long enough for want of a better activity for my toddler occasionally. Some of these women are AH! MAZING!! at their writing skills. I am blown away. For a time I really dove deep. I really tried to find my resources, expand my bloggy friends, and think of topics to write about. Hello! Is it just me or can this blog thing be exhausting? I mean more power to the peeps that make money doing it cause it’s A LOT OF WORK! You deserve to get paid.
Anyway, I don’t know what I’m saying here. I don’t have a theme to my blog. I’m a stay-at-home-mom, but does anyone care to know how awesome my son is? Or that he IS the cutest kid on the planet. By the way that’s been officially settled. God and I had a chat and He said that my kiddo was the cutest! Just sayin. I thought I could get my creative juices flowin with the blog and the writing and the whole thing. Lately, there is less than an ounce of creative in me. I’ve been debating politics non-stop it seems. Maybe that’s it! Maybe that’s why I can’t kick start my writing abilities. If it is I blame you Nicole & Patrick. You’ve sucked the creative right out of me!!
With all that randomness being said. I’m not sure I’ll continue on in my blog career. I don’t know what to write about. Except for not knowing what to write about because apparently there’s a lot to write about when there’s nothing to write about. Go figure. We shall see what the future holds.
This is the part where all my quiet followers ( If there are any) scream and yell via comments that I don’t give up. That I fight the good fight. That I keep on Keeping on!!!
Feel free to be one of those people 🙂