To Be or Not To Be……Is that the question?

I’ve been a SAHM for almost two years now, and if asked I wouldn’t want to change it. After my son was born or actually before my son was born my hubs told me he wanted me to stay home and raise our son.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halle….lu…jah”!!!!! Seriously, I’m pretty sure I broke into song when he told me this.

After being married for 4 years and earning a higher income I figured I had paid my dues and I DESERVED to stay home with my sweet baby boy.  Then the worry set in. I was FUH. REAKED! OUT! about how we would possibly survive when I was the one making more money.  I managed to put this thought out of my head and prepared to have our bundle of joy. Two weeks after my son was born he was diagnosed with acid reflux. For those that don’t know about babies with acid reflux it’s no picnic in the park. It’s pretty much a nightmare. With his acid reflux came mountains of doctors appointments, ultrasounds, Upper GI’s, blood work, etc, etc etc……My little goose was poked and prodded more than your average adult due to other medical issues with his acid reflux. He was just a step above failure to thrive.  I was one stressed mommy undoubtedly dealing with post partum depression, a screaming sick baby, and this overwhelming sense of having to go back to work in order to survive financially.  I even plotted my own secret work schedule thinking that my hubs would never know I had actually been working.  It went something like this:  leave little goose with MIL, go to work after hubs, work 6ish hours or so, be home before hubs gets home, and he’ll never know. I’m not joking. This is what I had managed to make sound reasonable to myself.  During Operation Work in Secret my hubs was adamant that I stay home with our son due to his many health issues, and that it would be better for me mentally. Not sure that was the case though.  As my time approached to return to work I could no longer justify returning even in secret. So I called and I quit. Nuff said.

Even with the relief of being a SAHM it wasn’t always sunshine and lollipops as previously mentioned. I struggled with feeling like I wasn’t contributing enough financially. Actually I wasn’t contributing financially at all. Logically, I know the insane amount I contribute to my husband, son, home, even myself by being a stay-at-home-mom. I would be lying if I said that I’m completed by my new position as a SAHM. I still struggle with feeling like I should be doing something more. With that being said I would much rather wake up in the morning to my son shoving a finger in my face saying, “Mommy, boogie”.  Then wake up and drag myself out of bed, get ready for work, take my kid to daycare, and work 8 hours, come home, cook, clean, bedtime for baby, time with husband, and whatever else I can possibly do.  But again I would be lying if I said that I sometimes wish I did more in the grown up world. Even now I’m not sure I’m articulating it properly.

For example, I would like to become a doula. It seems as of late that the journey to get there hasn’t been easy and it’s mostly financial. I’ve had two opportunities to do this and both times the money hasn’t been there to do it. Which has bummed me out and sends me into this questioning state. I also applied for a Volunteer Doula Program thinking that this would jump start me in the right direction. I wasn’t accepted and this is why I am yet again questioning my role in life.

Q & A with myself:

Do I love being a SAHM?  Yes, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Do I feel like I’ve failed in the work department?  Yes, in the since that I never found my “niche” in life.

Do I feel like maybe I’m being ungrateful with the opportunity to stay at home?  Yes, I sometimes battle with myself thinking that maybe God thinks I’m not accepting of the gift He’s given me.  That I should realize that this is my JOB.  That this is my CALLING. And I should just basically come to accept it.

Do I now struggle with moving forward with becoming a Doula?  Yes, I do. I really feel strongly about how doula’s are an integral part in a woman’s labor and wishing that I had one, but I wonder if this is just not meant to be.  But desperately wanting to do it.

Maybe the answer lies in being more social. If I did more things with other mommies and gave myself more time with friends or just me time would I still feel this way?

2 thoughts on “To Be or Not To Be……Is that the question?

  1. Kris says:

    Audra, have you ever thought that maybe your passion about being Doula IS from God, but this just isn’t the right time yet? Sometimes God just helps us find passion for things that we’ll do later on in life. You already know though, that raising a young child and teaching him to be a God fearing young man is a HUGE job and probably one of THE most important things you will ever do. You are DOING IT! HANG IN THERE! 🙂 Remember, God’s timing is ALWAYS right even if WE don’t quite understand it. Love you sweetie.:)

  2. Rachael @ Frugal Faye says:

    It is okay. God is closing a door because he has a better plan. In 2005, I thought I was graduating from college, and I got a letter saying my graduation application had been denied and I could not graduate for another semester because I had one class left that I did not know about. I was so depressed and I just laid on my mom’s couch and cried. I already had plans to move to another city that summer and everything. But, if I hadn’t gotten that letter, I never would have stayed in Atlanta and married David!

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