This might end up being a long list of well….everything but I need to get it out.
I have this condition called FEAR! Some may not think that fear can actually be a condition, but I’m telling you it certainly can and I deal with fear daily. I’ve dealt with it for years and really thought I had a handle on it. That is until I became pregnant and then the fear came back with a vengeance!!! I’m talking full force what if scenarios on what could possibly happen to my baby and so on. Living with fear is definitely a buzz kill. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed with what is going on in the world, family, friends, finances, etc……. I stopped watching the news and basically t.v. once I had a baby. Certainly due to the fact my life centered around my bundle of joy, but also because at that time I was dealing with a lot so cutting news out was actually a smart decision. However, you don’t need to watch the news when you have the internet or in-laws that watch it 24/7, or a mother that tells me all the good news that’s going on in the world. I have my informants and I let them know that I like getting informed on my own time without an overwhelming amount of information flooding me at once.
Unfortunately last week I couldn’t take it anymore. I think the last straw was when my friend posted a news clip of a Missing woman in my area and that’s pretty much what did it. I watched the news clip and immediately began to cry. I cried and prayed and prayed and cried. That was it!!! Leading up to this monumental moment where I finally just screamed out to God was the ruling on Obamacare. I was extremely upset, sad, flabbergasted, and it wiped me out. I will not go into all the ways I think this is ridiculous, but I will say this……………. the more you allow government to gain control under the guise of healthcare or any other important topic the more our freedoms are slowly being taken from us with out some even knowing it. And the kicker for me which I believe some aren’t GETTING AT ALL……Since when did the IRS have a say or power over my choice in healthcare!!?!!!!?!?! Really? Open your eyes people this isn’t about healthcare in the least, but those that say that are considered right wing, money hungry, evil, conservatives. Which if anyone would take one second to glance at what’s about to occur with Obamacare they might rethink it all. Ugh! Anyway, so there was that.
Then I had the pleasure of celebrating my very good friend’s 30th birthday. While I was there my friends friend had a sweet baby boy with her. He was a DOLL!! I snatched him up immediately. I discovered a scar starting at the top of his ear and curving over the top of his head to the neck area. I of course was curious to know what had happened and found out that he was a foster baby. My friends friend had him since he was 3 weeks old due to the fact that the father of the baby cracked his skull open. I felt like someone hit me in the stomach! I wanted to cry right then and there but I refrained. I found out more about this sweet baby boy and instantly wondered if I could adopt him. I was sad to find out that this happy, bubbly, precious gift from God was going to be transitioned back into his family very soon. I haven’t stopped thinking about this baby since I saw him . I prayed over him before we parted ways forever and I continue to do so.
A few days before this my mom and I were talking about stuff and she skipped over a subject quickly because she knows that I don’t like to hear bad news. For whatever reason I had convinced her that I could handle it and so she told me. I wished that I had never convinced her to tell me. She had told me that a local woman had discovered a black plastic bag on her morning run and had decided to call the cops thinking it suspicious. When the cops came out they had a discovered a dead infant. I don’t know what I said or did. I think I just sat there in shock!
Weeks before this my hubs and I watched Machine Gun Preacher. Excellent movie! Love it! I recommend it for everyone to watch. However, this isn’t a comedy. It deals with a lost man who finds God and feels that God has called him to go to Africa and basically try and protect the children from KONY. It’s a must see with Gerard Butler playing the Machine Gun Preacher. Obviously, it deals with what is currently going on in Africa today with Kony massacring families and kidnapping children for his army and other atrocities that makes my heart weep. I saw all those children and I just wanted to take them all home. I’ll adopt them. I’ll love them. I’ll protect them I thought. I just don’t get it!!! I don’t understand!!!
So take all of that throw in lack of sleep, finances, everyday life struggles I guess and you have a recipe for a one on one with God that was interesting to say the least. Last week, after putting my little goose down for a nap I was OVERWHELMED! I was broken-hearted for Linnea Lomax, the missing girl, and her parents. I prayed that she would be found safe and sound. I fell on my knees, put my head on my couch and just started weeping. I cried out to God, “WHY”!?!?!??! Why is all of this happening? I can’t take it anymore”!!! My heart was broken!! I prayed A LOT! I had a conversation with God like he was sitting next to me. Which by the way is the best way to talk to God. I prayed for everyone I could think of. I asked for peace in a time where my heart and mind was being consumed with fear. I know that fear doesn’t come from God so I know that He could provide me with comfort. I said, “I know that bad things DO NOT come from you. I know that people tend to forget that evil exists and there is a spiritual war going on daily, but I also know that you have the power to stop it”. You know what I received as an answer? Peace. I know to some that may seem corny, or ridiculous, or that I’m crazy. I’m not concerned with that. He gave me peace if only for those few moments or hours. I felt like we’d hashed it out as best we could for the time being. Sort of like a discussion/fight we would inevitably come back to, but for now it felt like some things were understood.
Fear is almost like a drug. In the way that it comes back to me like I’m being haunted. When I feel it sneaking up on me I begin to pray. But then it grabs me and slowly squeezes the breath out of me. That’s when I just cry and begin to repeat, “Help me, Jesus”. Over and over again. The thing is He does! He rescues me and then I’m good for awhile. The evil ( Satan, Lucifer, the Devil whatever you want to call this real evil that exists) comes back to torment me and we dance this dance again.
I question God. I also LOVE God! I strive to be a better christian daily. Although I fall flat on some days or most. Let me put it this way. I know why this world is the way it is. Do I understand it? No! Do I struggle with these things? Yes! Daily. Will I turn away from God because of it. No! Will I falter? Will I stumble? Will I question Him? Will I be afraid? Yes to it all. Will I have a comforter by my side? Will He pick me up and comfort me? Will He show me the greater purpose of it all? Yes to it all!!!