My first very first blog – Part 1

Ok it’s confession time. When I was pregnant I actually started a blog. However, after my first post I couldn’t seem to really get interested in it. I blame pregnancy brain. It’s a real thing even my doctor said so. So there!

The purpose of the blog was to have an outlet about my experience being pregnant and all the fun things that happened to me along the way. Which to others seemed like a lot, but I guess I just figured it was normal since I had nothing else to compare it to. I sat down to write my first blog about telling my hubs that I was pregnant and the interesting way it unfolded. I was going to continue with it, but I would literally sit in front of the computer and stare at the screen. So I stopped. I really don’t think I had the brain capacity at the time.

The original name of the post was Babe…..I’m Pregnant. So without further ado here is my first very first blog. Just a warning it’s kinda long. In fact, this is gonna be a two parter….

Ok ok I have another disclaimer: Gosh! After reading this I sound depressed or upset or something. I will say that I was just slightly terrified considering the circumstances that we were in at the time. However, after the initial panic wore off we were excited! And as always things turned out AWESOME!

I feel as if the weight of the world has suddenly crash landed on my chest! I’d say shoulders, but there are days at a time that I feel like I can’t breathe. At this time in my life I was expecting to be happy more often then not, but with the circumstances and the ever present surprises we keep receiving I am more stressed than elated. We are expecting a baby!!!! 🙂 I thought once I became pregnant I would plan this cute little way to tell my husband and he would be excited and we would jump up & down with excitement. Ok so maybe there wouldn’t be any jumping involved but you get the picture. That’s not how it turned out. Instead this is how it unfolded.

Brandon: They fired me.
Me: Oh baby! I am so sorry. I am so sorry!! It’ll be ok. (while having the sneaking suspicion I’m pregnant)
Brandon: Yeah. Love you.
Me: Love you! See you after work.

At this point I promptly grabbed my things and told everyone I had a dentist appointment and I would see them all tomorrow. Which is not a lie. I did in fact have a dentist appointment. I just didn’t go. I jumped in my truck, drove to Fred Meyer, made a bee line for the pregnancy tests and made sure I knew what the positive results looked like before scaring my husband like the last time. I grabbed a double pack so I could make doubly sure I was pregnant. I grabbed the tests, paid for them, and walked quickly to the bathrooms in Fred Meyer and prayed I had enough pee to make this happen. You know those moments in life where you just KNOW before you really KNOW? I KNEW I was pregnant! I just knew..without even taking the PT I knew I was. Because really everyone…what better time in life to have a baby then when you live with your in-laws and your husband just lost his job and you don’t make enough to pay the bills you have coming in? To top it off I miss my family and friends something fierce who live all the way back in Northern California. Where I want to go back to everyday of my life. So I pee on the stick and wait all of 5 seconds before that double line starts turning pink. I don’t know if there was much of a reaction while I sat on that toilet other than ….yep I knew it. To be perfectly honest I think I had an out of body experience or maybe I blacked out for a few seconds. I didn’t have much of a reaction when I saw it. Then I slowly started coming back to life and I laughed. I laughed like a crazy lady cackle. I don’t know if there were any other ladies in that restroom at that point, but if there were they would’ve thought someone had a nervous breakdown in a bathroom stall. I thought I would save the other pregnancy test for a just in case kind of thing. So I grabbed my purse with the other PT and left. I didn’t know what to do. I had to tell someone, but I couldn’t tell Brandon he would be so stressed out!!

Me: Hey babe, Guess what…….You’re going to be a daddy!!
Brandon: Screams and curls into a fetal position rocking back and forth screaming, “Why me!!? Why me!?!?”

Or at least that’s the image I had in my head. I couldn’t go home cause I just couldn’t. I couldn’t tell my mom I was pregnant cause she would be so stressed out with all the fun things I unload on her about money and marriage. I couldn’t call cousin Amber cause I just needed to keep it to myself. I just had to!! I had nowhere to go which is one of my most depressing problems since living in the Pacific Northwest. I have nowhere to call my own. You know the places you go to get away from it all or just relax? I have no special place!!! I left all of this back in Cali with my family and friends. Poor me! 😦 So I just started driving around and then I heard my phone buzz. I grabbed it and saw it was my friend Cristi checking in with me and wanting to know if I had heard anything regarding Brandon’s job situation. So I texted back letting her know what happened and then I had an idea. I could tell Cristi!!! She could keep the secret with me. So I texted her and asked if she was busy and if not could I come by? She said sure come on by. At this point she’s probably thinking I need to vent about Brandon getting fired, but little did she know I had more news. (Well, actually she had a weird feeling about it) Anyway, I arrive probably looking dreadful like someone had died. Cristi hugs me and says, “Hi How are you?” With my chin beginning to quiver I reach into my coat pocket, I pull out the pregnancy test, and I hand it to her. She looks at me like…..what are you giving me? And then it registers! That smile that spreads across her face is priceless. She throws up her arms and says, “Congratulations!! This is great!! I was just telling Stacy (her husband) that you just needed to get pregnant”. Don’t technically quote me here I’m summarizing on what she had said. She is so excited and I’m trying to hold back the tears! I’m like this is not a good time at all. We live with his parents! He just lost his job! Oh my gosh!! What are we going to do!?!?! She said that it would be great and that it’s a blessing. And I here I am so very aware that I should be happy because YES babies are blessings from God, but I can’t say that panic hadn’t set in. So we talked some more and I was NOT going to tell Brandon not then anyway. Then as I leave her house she looks at me and says, ” You know you’re going to tell him tonight”. I said I know I would but didn’t know how. So we stand there for a few minutes trying to figure out when and how I should tell him. Before I walk out the door to deal with the reality of becoming a mother I tell Cristi that I just can’t tell him tonight. I say my goodbyes and then tell her Brandon & I would be there to help with the kids at church.

Did I mention how exhausted I was that day? I was beyond able to function. I think the only reason I hadn’t left work and crawled into bed is because (of course) I found out I was pregnant and the adrenaline, shock, excitement, and worry was making my body feel as if I had just consumed a quadruple shot Caramel Macchiato. For the last couple of weeks I hadn’t been able to fight this overwhelming urge to call in sick to work everyday if only to sleep my days away. I had thought it was due to the multiple health problems I was experiencing (that’s another story entirely). So I just attributed it to that. Have you ever had those days or weeks where all you want to do is just lie down wherever you are and sleep? The fatigue I felt was like quicksand. I felt like I had stepped in quicksand and was fighting to stay awake, but the more I fought the more exhausted I was until I finally gave in (sort of). The fatigue just dragged me down and all I wanted to do was give in to it completely but I couldn’t. Well, now that I knew I was pregnant I kinda figured this is what was causing me to not care that I had bills to pay or clothes to wash or things to bake for Christmas or socializing with friends. All I wanted to do was sleep! Anyway back to the part where I was or wasn’t going to tell Brandon that he was going to be a dad!

To be continued…………….


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