6 Years

Today we celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary. Woo!!! It’s been quite an adventure. Six years may not seem like a lot, but if we were celebrities this would practically be our silver anniversary. So here’s to the man that swept me off my feet, challeneged me in ways I thought impossible, made me a mommy, and will continue to be the man I lean on and shake my head at. I love you so much baby! I look forward to many many many many more years with you and growing our little family.

This is where he popped the question. Took me by surprise as you can see.

Our Wedding Day

Overcast in Mommyland

Today I just don’t have the umph to be super mom! Just when I think I’ve hit my stride in mommyland a day like today just up and surprises me. It could possibly be this awful weather. Ok so it’s not technically awful. The weather has been worse in the past few days, but to me it’s sheer torture and it’s only overcast. I lived in the Portland area for 7ish years. Ok actually like 6ish years, but I’m rounding up. I am a CA girl who thought she liked rain and thought she could handle the Oregon weather. Boy was I W-R-O-N-G!!!

Things I’ve learned since I lived in Portland. 1) I don’t like rain 2) I’m not a fan of overcast either  3) Umbrella’s are for sissy’s 4) There is no such thing as an outdoor activity in the rain. Now if I were a true Oregonian (which I am NOT) rain hinders no one in that state. Because let’s face it if it did no one would leave their homes. EVER! So being back home in sunny CA makes my heart rejoice! Can you hear the angels singing Hallelujah!?!!??!! It seems that CA has experienced a very dry winter. Can you imagine how I’m feeling about that? Hmm….I’m loving it! I know that we need the rain, but I feel like God has heard my cries of protest  and kept the rain away for little ol’ me. That is of course until this last week or so and I’ve been in a funky limbo. Sounds like an awful dance, but what I mean is it’s just made me feel kinda blah. Then there’s sun breaks in between the rain and overcast weather and that’s when we make a break for it. We’ve taken walks here and there. I’m sure my little man thinks I’ve lost it since I won’t even step outside in the overcast weather. Blah! Anyway, I’m pretty much useless today or this morning. I’m trying really hard to provide fun activities or “school” for my little man, but………..

Please come back sun!! Please!! I was without you for SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long that when you go away for just a short time I can’t seem to live without you!!! I miss you so much! I can see you battling it out with the clouds right this second. I’m cheering for you to win!! You can do it! I believe in you!

Love,

Overcast in Mommyland

Milestones

I clearly remember taking my little man to the Zoo for the first time. We didn’t make it to storytime earlier that week and I was getting sick of being cooped up in the house. As a SAHM with a tight limited budget I always try to conserve what I use so that my hubs has the gas to get to work during the week. With that being said I was soooooo ready to get out of the house, but also give my little man something stimulating and educational to enjoy. So off to the zoo we went. We had such a blast and he loved every minute of it until I had to drag him out of the Zoo crying. You’d think that this is a cute story about our first time at the zoo, but it’s really about my little man literally figuring out his mad skills at walking. Actually it’s about his milestones and the fact that all babies/kids hit their milestones at different rates. Anyway, he’d been taking steps here and there. Kinda “walking” around the house and loved walking while his hands were being held, but he hadn’t quite reached that point where he was ready to take off w/o mom right next to him. The zoo however was his shot. It was an oasis of space! Which we don’t have much of in the house. He was having a blast taking off without me and walking. It was awkward for me to push a stroller while trying to catch up to my 14 month old but fun to watch. Did I mention I had just purchased Squeakers for him to wear? Best. Thing. Ever. Especially when your toddling toddler decides this is the day I shall be FREEEEEEEE!

So anywho we’re walking all over the zoo and I hear, “Oh he’s so cute”, “His shoes squeak”, “Adorable”. All these things are so true as he is the cutest thing EVER! He squeaks over to the Tiger exhibit and there happens to be a couple with a toddler about the same age as my little man. She starts pointing and telling her husband that his shoes squeak. Then she asks me how old my little guy is and I say 14 months. Then I see “the look” sweep across her face. She says, “my son is the same age and he isn’t walking yet”. I’ve seen this “look”. I’ve had this “look” before. The look of but my son/daughter is the same age or older and they aren’t doing that yet. Here’s where I felt the need to reassure her that her son would be walking in no time at all. This is where I wanted to freeze time so I could gather myself and say something so poignant and significant that she will never worry that her son isn’t as “advanced” as other toddlers his age. Or perhaps what their mothers make them appear to be. However, with my speed racer son high tailing it away from me I could only sputter out a few insignificant words to her. Which I wanted to quickly retract from the record. I said, “Oh he’s only been doing this for a little bit”. But it came out so completely WRONG!!!! As if it were no big deal that he was walking around like a champ. As if the look on her face wasn’t making me want to disappear from the very spot I was in. What I wanted to do was reassure her, but what came out of my mouth was like THOSE MOTHERS. We all know THOSE MOTHERS. This might all be in my own head. She might very well have heard what I had intended, but for some reason it sounded so very wrong to me. Plus, I was trying to corral my son while trying to make her understand that all kids are different and her son isn’t any less amazing then my very own. Ok back to me corralling my son……….I was so instantly appalled at what came out of my mouth and the tone of it all that I practically sheep-herded my son back to that Tiger exhibit with the stroller to elaborate what I meant. We get back to the tiger area and I let her know that he had been taking steps here and there. That today literally was the day where he felt confident enough at walking w/o mama to help him . I said don’t worry he’ll be walking in no time at all. As I’m saying this I’m trying to dodge my little guy with the stroller so he won’t get away. He finally breaks free! As I’m walking away I say, ” He’ll be walking soon. No worries. All kids are different. Have a good day”. Did this convey what I wanted her to know? Did she go back home that day and think that woman at the zoo was so right? Is she still thinking about our encounter as I am? Maybe. Maybe not. I will never forget it. I will never forget the look on her face. EVER! And this is why…………………

I struggled A LOT with comparing my son to other babies. Or having other mothers directly tell me that my son should be doing x,y, and z at this point in his development. I was so frantic with what he should be doing that I beat myself up constantly. On top of that my bundle of joy had acid reflux so that was stressful on top of thinking he wasn’t developing like others said he should. (If you are unaware of acid reflux in babies then that will be my next blog when I can emotionally deal with writing about it.) Let me tell you though early on my little man was on his “A” game. He was above and beyond his developmental stages in many things. And still continued to be after the rolling over situation, but my brain was stuck on the roll over thing. He amazingly rolled over at his 2 month check up twice in front of his pediatrician and she was soooooooo impressed as we were. Hello Genius baby!! We got home and over the course of maybe the next 2 months or so he rolled over a total of 2 more times on his very own. The other times daddy and I were helping him. I was kind of obsessed with this rolling over thing. At 6 months when he hadn’t rolled over anymore I was told by someone that he should be rolling over all the time oh and he should be able to hold a bottle also. I was enraged but bit my lip somehow. Here’s the thing my little man was able to sit upright on his own at 5 months and his doc was uber impressed. But this rolling over thing ate at me. Not to mention he had no intention of becoming mobile at 6 months when other babies were trying to. His pediatrician told us to not worry about him rolling over. She had seen it many times where babies would do it a few times and then not do it again. Then I asked her about crawling and she said not to worry. She said that babies actually hit that milestone about 9 months, but some do it earlier and some never crawl at all and it’s NO BIG DEAL! I felt relieved for about 2 minutes and then continued to beat myself up often about what he should be doing. Here’s my point, he started to roll over and sit up at about 7 1/2 – 8 months. He started crawling or scooting at 9 months and he really walked at 14 months. He took his first steps at 13 months but walked at 14 months. I admit that I still tend to get down on myself for my adorable son not doing this or that like that little toddler over there, but I think I’ve gotten past some of that. You know why? Cause every child is different!! Not all of them will roll over, sit up, crawl, walk, talk, run, or learn colors all at the same pace.

I admit that I let those things get to me from time to time. You always want your child to excel at everything and you also take a certain kind of pride that your child is awesome at this or that. I have learned to NEVER EVER tell another mother that your child should be doing this thing or that thing NOW. Extreme cases aside. Every child is different and it drives me beyond crazy that other people not just mothers, but even random people feel the need to let you know what they think is wrong. So a note to myself and to others: if you think someone else’s child isn’t doing what you THINK they should be doing keep it to yourself. Us Mom’s tend to beat ourselves up unneccessarily and when someone else feels they must let us know what our child should be doing it tends to make us crazy with a Capital C. Or raging mad with a capital R and M.

My First Very First Blog – Part 2

I know you’ve all been waiting anxiously for the second part of my first very first blog. I can see it now. You grab your lap top, you go right to cashmama2010.wordpress.com to see if Part 2 has been posted yet, and then you don’t see it!! You close your laptop in frustration thinking when is she going to post the second part!!!?!?!? I have to know if she told him that night or not!! You go to bed but can’t sleep wondering if it’ll be posted when you get up in the morning. When you finally fall asleep you dream about it off and on all night. You get up the next day and check wordpress every 20 minutes to see if it’s been posted. Fret no more my loyal and faithful followers. The waiting is over! In mere milli seconds you will read the nail biting ending to this dramatic moment in my life!!!

This is the thing…..I’m pretty sure none of this happened. I’m pretty sure as well that there aren’t too many followers out there.  This is wishful thinking on my part. I’m the one checking my blog every 20 minutes. Ok maybe not that often. But often enough to hope against all hopes that there are people who want to read all about this dramatic moment in my little life. I might have to put a call into my therapist about this. I think my insecurities are coming out in my blogs. Eek! Ok so here is the dramatic or not so dramatic conclusion to

Babe…….I’m Pregnant:

I get in my truck and I start driving towards home, As I’m driving I’m trying to decide if I should wait to tell Brandon or not. Should I worry him? Should I wait? I have to wait! He’ll be so stressed out! I can’t wait!! He needs to know! I’m not good at hiding things!! I’m sort of known for being far to expressive about everything. You know the saying “you wear your heart on your sleeve”? Well, I wear everything on my face. Meaning ANYONE can tell when I’m happy, sad, mad, worried. I’m not really good at putting on a brave face. Whatever I AM at that moment you can usually tell by looking at me. It’s a good and bad thing. So anyway, I decided that I would find Brandon and take him to Roundtable (his favorite pizza place) and maybe drop the pregnancy test in his pizza or something. Or maybe set it next to his pizza. Probably a little more sanitary that way. So I call him and he answers in depressed voice.

I say, “Hi Babe, whatcha doing”?
Brandon: I’m with mom at Costco
Me: Oh! Well, are you hungry? Cause I thought we could go to RoundTable to, uh, umm…just hang out or something”.
Brandon: Really? I’m here with mom and we’re on our way home soon so I’ll just see you there.
Me: I can come and get you right now if you want and we can go.
Brandon: No babe. I really don’t feel up to it right now.
Me: Oh..uh..ok. Well, I guess I’ll see you at home. Love you!
Brandon: Love you too. Bye
Me: Bye

If you know Brandon then you should know that he NEVER EVER passes up a chance to have pizza. So at that point I knew he was super depressed and I decided I just couldn’t tell him I was pregnant.
I get home and no one is there. Only the dogs Dottie and Duff. So I told Dottie the she was going to be a big sister. She just looked at me and wagged her tail. At least she wasn’t stressed out about the situation. That is until the baby is born. So I did some nervous cleaning all the while trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I was pregnant and how I would eventually tell Brandon. I made the bed, did some laundry, cleaned the bathroom, and then Brandon and his mom finally showed up.

I was nervous. I didn’t know how to act around him. The air was charged with my own nervousness and lack of being “normal”. Brandon finally came upstairs and I gave him a kiss and asked him how he was doing. He said he was ok, but more angry then anything. During this time I’m trying to act like myself however I couldn’t stop smiling and being nervous. So then I told him to sit on the bed and hang out with me. He looked at me strangely and asked me why. I said I just thought you could sit down and talk to me about it.

It’s gonna get a little racy here. Anyway, he sits down and goes right for the boobs. Ugh! He does this often. I slapped his hand away and told him they were sore and to leave me alone.

Brandon: Have you started your period?
Me: Uh…No.
Brandon: Are you PREGNANT!?!!??!
Me: Close the door
Brandon: Are you pregnant!!??!?!
Me: Brandon close the door I don’t want your mom to hear.
Brandon: You’re Pregnant!?!?!
Me: Uh…yeah

Oh my gosh!! Brandon falls on the bed and starts laughing. Just laughing. At least we had the same reaction when we found out.

Me: Are you upset?
Brandon: Why would I be upset?
Me: I don’t know. It’s not exactly the best time.
Brandon: Of course this would happen when I lose my job. No better time.
Me: I thought the same thing. So you’re not mad?
Brandon: Why would I be mad? It’s exciting. It’s going to be an adventure.

We sat and talked and he kept asking me if I was sure. Of course I’m sure! I grabbed the pregnancy test to prove to him and also let him know that I read the results right this time. He wanted me to take the other test later. Just in case, ya know. So I took the other test a little later and of course it came back positive. So here we are….about to embark upon a whole new adventure.

It was December 18th when I found out I was expecting and Brandon lost his job. A week before Christmas. Five days before family would begin arriving for our Christmas at the beach in Seaside. All of Brandon’s brothers would be arriving with their families. My mom would be driving up from CA along with my brother and his family driving from Idaho. I was 5 week pregnant at that point and we weren’t going to tell anyone yet. We thought we should wait until I was in the “safe zone” before we said anything. Then we thought we could tell everyone on Christmas day. We weren’t sure what to do. However, living with your in-laws makes it hard to keep a secret like that. So we waited………..

My first very first blog – Part 1

Ok it’s confession time. When I was pregnant I actually started a blog. However, after my first post I couldn’t seem to really get interested in it. I blame pregnancy brain. It’s a real thing even my doctor said so. So there!

The purpose of the blog was to have an outlet about my experience being pregnant and all the fun things that happened to me along the way. Which to others seemed like a lot, but I guess I just figured it was normal since I had nothing else to compare it to. I sat down to write my first blog about telling my hubs that I was pregnant and the interesting way it unfolded. I was going to continue with it, but I would literally sit in front of the computer and stare at the screen. So I stopped. I really don’t think I had the brain capacity at the time.

The original name of the post was Babe…..I’m Pregnant. So without further ado here is my first very first blog. Just a warning it’s kinda long. In fact, this is gonna be a two parter….

Ok ok I have another disclaimer: Gosh! After reading this I sound depressed or upset or something. I will say that I was just slightly terrified considering the circumstances that we were in at the time. However, after the initial panic wore off we were excited! And as always things turned out AWESOME!

I feel as if the weight of the world has suddenly crash landed on my chest! I’d say shoulders, but there are days at a time that I feel like I can’t breathe. At this time in my life I was expecting to be happy more often then not, but with the circumstances and the ever present surprises we keep receiving I am more stressed than elated. We are expecting a baby!!!! 🙂 I thought once I became pregnant I would plan this cute little way to tell my husband and he would be excited and we would jump up & down with excitement. Ok so maybe there wouldn’t be any jumping involved but you get the picture. That’s not how it turned out. Instead this is how it unfolded.

Brandon: They fired me.
Me: Oh baby! I am so sorry. I am so sorry!! It’ll be ok. (while having the sneaking suspicion I’m pregnant)
Brandon: Yeah. Love you.
Me: Love you! See you after work.

At this point I promptly grabbed my things and told everyone I had a dentist appointment and I would see them all tomorrow. Which is not a lie. I did in fact have a dentist appointment. I just didn’t go. I jumped in my truck, drove to Fred Meyer, made a bee line for the pregnancy tests and made sure I knew what the positive results looked like before scaring my husband like the last time. I grabbed a double pack so I could make doubly sure I was pregnant. I grabbed the tests, paid for them, and walked quickly to the bathrooms in Fred Meyer and prayed I had enough pee to make this happen. You know those moments in life where you just KNOW before you really KNOW? I KNEW I was pregnant! I just knew..without even taking the PT I knew I was. Because really everyone…what better time in life to have a baby then when you live with your in-laws and your husband just lost his job and you don’t make enough to pay the bills you have coming in? To top it off I miss my family and friends something fierce who live all the way back in Northern California. Where I want to go back to everyday of my life. So I pee on the stick and wait all of 5 seconds before that double line starts turning pink. I don’t know if there was much of a reaction while I sat on that toilet other than ….yep I knew it. To be perfectly honest I think I had an out of body experience or maybe I blacked out for a few seconds. I didn’t have much of a reaction when I saw it. Then I slowly started coming back to life and I laughed. I laughed like a crazy lady cackle. I don’t know if there were any other ladies in that restroom at that point, but if there were they would’ve thought someone had a nervous breakdown in a bathroom stall. I thought I would save the other pregnancy test for a just in case kind of thing. So I grabbed my purse with the other PT and left. I didn’t know what to do. I had to tell someone, but I couldn’t tell Brandon he would be so stressed out!!

Me: Hey babe, Guess what…….You’re going to be a daddy!!
Brandon: Screams and curls into a fetal position rocking back and forth screaming, “Why me!!? Why me!?!?”

Or at least that’s the image I had in my head. I couldn’t go home cause I just couldn’t. I couldn’t tell my mom I was pregnant cause she would be so stressed out with all the fun things I unload on her about money and marriage. I couldn’t call cousin Amber cause I just needed to keep it to myself. I just had to!! I had nowhere to go which is one of my most depressing problems since living in the Pacific Northwest. I have nowhere to call my own. You know the places you go to get away from it all or just relax? I have no special place!!! I left all of this back in Cali with my family and friends. Poor me! 😦 So I just started driving around and then I heard my phone buzz. I grabbed it and saw it was my friend Cristi checking in with me and wanting to know if I had heard anything regarding Brandon’s job situation. So I texted back letting her know what happened and then I had an idea. I could tell Cristi!!! She could keep the secret with me. So I texted her and asked if she was busy and if not could I come by? She said sure come on by. At this point she’s probably thinking I need to vent about Brandon getting fired, but little did she know I had more news. (Well, actually she had a weird feeling about it) Anyway, I arrive probably looking dreadful like someone had died. Cristi hugs me and says, “Hi How are you?” With my chin beginning to quiver I reach into my coat pocket, I pull out the pregnancy test, and I hand it to her. She looks at me like…..what are you giving me? And then it registers! That smile that spreads across her face is priceless. She throws up her arms and says, “Congratulations!! This is great!! I was just telling Stacy (her husband) that you just needed to get pregnant”. Don’t technically quote me here I’m summarizing on what she had said. She is so excited and I’m trying to hold back the tears! I’m like this is not a good time at all. We live with his parents! He just lost his job! Oh my gosh!! What are we going to do!?!?! She said that it would be great and that it’s a blessing. And I here I am so very aware that I should be happy because YES babies are blessings from God, but I can’t say that panic hadn’t set in. So we talked some more and I was NOT going to tell Brandon not then anyway. Then as I leave her house she looks at me and says, ” You know you’re going to tell him tonight”. I said I know I would but didn’t know how. So we stand there for a few minutes trying to figure out when and how I should tell him. Before I walk out the door to deal with the reality of becoming a mother I tell Cristi that I just can’t tell him tonight. I say my goodbyes and then tell her Brandon & I would be there to help with the kids at church.

Did I mention how exhausted I was that day? I was beyond able to function. I think the only reason I hadn’t left work and crawled into bed is because (of course) I found out I was pregnant and the adrenaline, shock, excitement, and worry was making my body feel as if I had just consumed a quadruple shot Caramel Macchiato. For the last couple of weeks I hadn’t been able to fight this overwhelming urge to call in sick to work everyday if only to sleep my days away. I had thought it was due to the multiple health problems I was experiencing (that’s another story entirely). So I just attributed it to that. Have you ever had those days or weeks where all you want to do is just lie down wherever you are and sleep? The fatigue I felt was like quicksand. I felt like I had stepped in quicksand and was fighting to stay awake, but the more I fought the more exhausted I was until I finally gave in (sort of). The fatigue just dragged me down and all I wanted to do was give in to it completely but I couldn’t. Well, now that I knew I was pregnant I kinda figured this is what was causing me to not care that I had bills to pay or clothes to wash or things to bake for Christmas or socializing with friends. All I wanted to do was sleep! Anyway back to the part where I was or wasn’t going to tell Brandon that he was going to be a dad!

To be continued…………….