This guy…..

Hubs

So there’s this guy I know and he’s pretty stinking awesome. He does this really amazing thing on a fairly regular basis because like I said he’s kinda awesome. I will openly admit that I’m not as awesome as he is in this particular department. I have a tendency to not see the people he sees. I walk past them with their signs or ignore them in the parking lots of stores. I get tired of “these” people because you never know who to trust these days. So I just ignore them. I promise you I’m not heartless I’m just being transparent.

But this guy……THIS. GUY. Has on so many occasions told me that he fed a homeless guy today. Or he bought a couple of them waters today. Or running to the store for me to pick up a few items he grabbed some extra things that the homeless guy sitting outside the store might need.  “THIS GUY”. Well, he’s my husband. Probably the most tender-hearted, trusting, and trust-worthy guy has on so many occasions thought about the homeless guy or gal in our town, and felt called to help.

So last week “THIS GUY” went to put gas in my truck so I wouldn’t have to. Sweet, right? Anyway, when he walked in the house after being so chivalrous I realized he wasn’t wearing a shirt.  I distinctly remember him leaving with a shirt on. I don’t’ think I could forget something as key as a shirt. But like I said he walked in the house without a shirt. None to be seen. I looked at him with the familiar questioning look, and he said, “You’re going to laugh at me”. I was sure he was right, but still couldn’t connect the dots as to what his shirt had to do with the laughter that would ensue. And then these words came out of his mouth, and I knew exactly what he did with his shirt. He said, ” This homeless guy…… He didn’t have to explain any further because I knew then that my husband had literally given the shirt off his back to someone who needed it more than he did. I didn’t laugh. I just smiled. Because I’m now used to the man that I married often seeing what I do not see. He sees someone in need. He even sees someone who has placed themselves in this position by choice or by uncontrollable circumstances and he doesn’t judge or wonder. He just DOES. He just answers the call that I feel God lays on his heart when he sees a homeless person, and he gives. He realizes that although we may not have a ton of money or a ton of anything we are far richer than so many in this world today. Far richer than even those in our own city. He’s just that kind of guy. So I wanted to acknowledge this guy because I often do not, and I thought this was pretty notable to mention.

Mombie

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Some days I don’t even feel human-like. Sort of a vague resemblance of what a human is supposed to look like. A zombie. A MOMBIE!! Oh yes! A MOMBIE!!!!

Today wasn’t horrible, but I was certainly going through the motions. A call from Mega Camp telling me my son was having an allergic reaction started the day snowballing in the wrong direction, and by the time my husband got home from work at 7:30 pm all I could do was grunt answers at him. In fact, I should be finishing up the kitchen, but I’m blogging cause…….duh!

My realization that I’m a Mombie came about when I had to google what to write for a sample article. A lifestyle blog that I follow on IG is hiring for a social media position, and I definitely if not desperately need a job that I can do from home. While I was researching what to write I found a bazillion blogs on what to write for a blog. I guess it’s like reading a book on how to write books. Same thing, yes? I came across this blog that had “31 Post Ideas – Lifestyle Edition”.  As I read through this great list I realized I still couldn’t forge a sample article out of any these ideas. Why you may ask? Because I’m a Mombie. My life revolves around my littles 24/7. I can’t even turn my brain off from mommy duty if I wanted to. It is hard-wired now. I can wipe a boogie off my toddlers finger before she can even say “boogie mommy” while driving 70 down the freeway without even turning to look at her. My days revolve around what my kids want to eat, and who’s the next to poop. It’s a toss up from my 2 year old saying, “Poo poo mama” or my 5 year old screaming, “WIPE MY BUTT, MOM!!! I POOPED”!!!!!  However, if it’s a really good day we all get fully dressed, and go somewhere like the grocery store or maybe the park. Currently, we’re all waking up, and driving 20 minutes to take my 5 year old to Mega Camp. This my friends feels like FREEDOM!!! Picture a shirtless Mel Gibson (when he was still hot) riding a noble steed screaming “FREEDOM”!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mhmmmm…..I miss those days!

Sorry back to the original thought. If I had to blog about anything on this list it wouldn’t amount to much.

Here are just a few answers to some of those topics:

  • 10 Photos of your day in your cityI cannot remember the last time I went into the City. Oh wait…..I picked my cousin up from work at this hip restaurant that turns into a nightclub.
  • 5 books that have influenced you1)There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly 2) This Little Chick 3) Should I Share My Ice Cream? 4) Ninja Ninja Never Stop 5) Snuggle Bunny
  • Your favorite self-care products Soap
  • How you overcame a trialI told my husband I was done for the day, and then took a shower. Whew!
  • Your Tips for spring / summer organization – Purge it allllllll!!!!!
  • Your goals, with a follow-up (that’s TWO)I’m getting certified to become a Postpartum Doula. In progress……….
  • Your creative processI shower
  • Your favorite health product – Water
  • 3 books you didn’t like and why – I barely have time to read books I like much less spare time on a book I hate.
  • Your most recent shopping haul: Wait for it………………GROCERIES!
  • 10 movies that have influenced you:I don’t have time for that many movies these days so let’s go way back. “The Passion of the Christ” and “Trade”
  • Quotes that you love: “Your my best mom EVER”! Ya I love that quote
  • How to break off a bad friendship:  Unfriend them on Facebook
  • A current trend you’re loving: Sleeping longer than 5 hours
  • Advice you would give to your younger self: Don’t consume your thoughts with how “fat” you are.
  • How to make your home homey:  Keep it messy
  • 10 ways to be more productive: Uhhh….???

So my task to complete a sample article for this Lifestyle Blog isn’t flowing. I can’t think of anything smart, sassy, and chic to say about anything. My world is consumed with kids, kids t.v. shows, feeding kids, teachings kids, kisses from  my kids, disciplining kids, laughing with kids, playing with kids, oh and cleaning. That too! I do that ALL. THE. TIME.

I bow down to you mommy’s who can rock the latest fashions. Those that have a beautiful up-to-date designed home. The ones that are super crafty. The ones that are the next Master Chef. Especially those that run an at-home business while raising your littles. I want to be you when I grow up. Teach me your ways. No really….e-mail me or call me or facebook me or something. HELP!

Today I embrace the Mombie in me. I need to go finish the dishes. Enjoy this little video though before you go.

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Family

 

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What is family?

I know there are those that say family isn’t always your blood relatives, and that certainly is true. Family is what you make it or whom you make it with. All true.

But what about your FAMILY?

The ones that are your blood relatives. The ones you grew up with? That were you automatic best friends.

The definition of Family is this: any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins.

Family certainly can evolve throughout the years. Those that come into the family through marriage, birth, adoption. Those that leave us through death. They will always be loved and missed. To be seen again someday. But what about the family that voluntarily leaves? The ones that choose to separate themselves from other family members? For a multitude of reasons I’m sure. Some justifiable and some not. Does it hurt any less than a death? Or does it hurt more than a death? With death there is a finality to it perhaps. But when a family member or members CHOOSE to leave “the family” doesn’t it break your heart?  Such a rapid departure from family stirs up so many feelings. My favorite: ANGER!!! My best emotion or my most prominent one. It’s my smoke screen to my other emotions that I don’t want others to see.

I look at my family like this:

Grandparents (My mom’s parents)

Then my aunts & uncles which there were/are five of:

Then the kids of each of those five, there grandkids, and their great grandkids.

We’ve had some family members come to us through marriage. We have blended families and family that we have through foster care. So we might not all be blood related, but we are related somehow. And that’s what I love about my family. Even in-laws of cousins have somehow woven into the fabric of my big family & I love it! I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Through the years though there was a crack in the foundation of it all. A crack slowly making its way through the foundation of what I’ve thought my family to be. I’m sure there is always an underlying earthquake shaking up any family. I saw it growing up, but I somehow thought that it was strong even through those rough times.

When my grandpa passed away I felt a jolt to the beating heart of our living, breathing, moving, loving family. Or when a mountain begins to crumble a piece falls off, and then slowly other parts start to crumble off. The foundation shifted. We were hit by such a huge blow when he left us. Christmas Eve wasn’t held at my grandparents anymore. From time to time we would have it, but not at the same momentum we did when he was alive.

My grandpa passed away in his home with all the family surrounding him. So many random thoughts are vivid in my memory. But the one thing that I will never forget:  He had already passed away. My entire family was there talking. Eating. Just going on about there business. We were waiting for someone to come pick up his body. I was sitting at the foot of the bed he was in, and it all seemed so wrong and strange to me. How could we all be there talking, eating, laughing when he was dead. I just sobbed. Gasping sobs. I couldn’t control it. My mom was rubbing my head and holding me. We had just lost him! He was gone, and I couldn’t bring myself to accept it. Then my little 2 1/2 year old, Platinum hair, blue-eyed little cousin, Brooke, came up and put her little hand on my leg and tried to comfort me. I’m not sure if I went off into a fit of hysterics or calmed down, but THAT is what family is. When they heart of a 2 1/2 year old knows the pain of her older cousin.  THAT IS MY FAMILY.

LORD JESUS! I’m bawling my eyes out again!

I’m almost forgetting other major events that went on after my grandpa passed. Marriages. Divorces. Babies. Babies are my favorite. We always have plenty of babies in our family. I do believe we went a Christmas or two without a new baby, but that didn’t last long. There were family “issues”. Either always there or building up.

I was hit by a drunk driver December of 2001. I was rushed to UC Davis to save my left leg. One of the most horrific times of my life, but oddly a time that I remember that my family came together. En Masse. I remember in between my drug induced fogs my mom telling me about all the family that sat in the waiting room during my emergency surgery. I felt loved. I really did. I remember my Uncle Larry telling me the story of when he found out I’d been hit. I would cry every time he told me. Or when my cousin Brian was the sheriff on scene that night when I was hit. All my family that came to visit me. My cousin who surprised me from Idaho. I sobbed when I saw her. Or my cousins wife & kids when they brought me a Christmas tree & decorated my side of the hospital room because I was there during Christmas. I still have that tree. That time was the worst time of my life, but my family was there. Supporting me. Checking on me. Praying for me.

Then it felt like the crack started to grow. Shift. Makes it’s way through family members and divide us. Then my Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, and then passed away after a long battle. The crack got bigger. Marriage. Babies. Divorces. Moving to different states. Then not too long after that my uncle fell off a roof and ended up in a coma for 7 years before he passed away. Those seven years seemed like a nightmare for more reasons than one. Some family members angrily walked away. While another portion was taken back into the fold, and loved on regardless of the situation at hand.  My children were born during this time. Happiest moments of my life. The light in the darkness. Other babies were born. Babies are the best. Still there remained a disconnect from other family members. Some still choose not to be apart of us. Others have decided to walk the tight rope between the two. Others simply let life get in the way of a connection. Or maybe they just don’t feel a connection.

All of this to say:  What is life without family?

Maybe because I’m the wise old age of 35 quickly going on 36, but it’s getting to me so much more now than it ever has. Maybe because I have children. I don’t know why. I just don’t understand the disconnect!! Gosh! Some of this “stuff” (the nicest way I can say it) is out of absolute hatred and…..I don’t have the words. I just want to shake some people. Smack them around & scream : “WAKE UP!!!!!! What are you trying to prove?? What are you doing??????? We are FAMILY for crap sake!!!” I don’t pretend to think that even if all was to become well with whomever that we’ll have big slumber parties at our houses, and have a commune together. I just…..I just don’t understand! It hurts! It’s mean! It’s not even just mean there is just an outright disregard for loving our family. If I could rewind, and change things oh how I wish I could!! To somehow alter the course of things so that there wouldn’t be such a great divide.

Again all this to say isn’t that the plan really. The master plan. The spiritual warfare so to speak? That Satan is here to conquer and divide. Doesn’t he start with families? In marriages? Amongst siblings? I’m so tired of it! I don’t want this crap anymore. I just want my family. All of them. Crazy or not!

“Don’t worry about the family that ignores you and acts like you don’t matter.  Love the ones that are always there for you no matter what.”

My cousin sent this to me when I was struggling with a family departure so to speak. I truly do have great family that loves me and that’s there for me. Regardless. And I try to let some things go with others, but it’s really hard. I still love all my family. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. Regardless of their feelings towards me.

I take that back maybe I do wish it would all work out & we can have a commune. And slumber parties. I kind of have this fantasy that we’re like the Braverman Family. Even with all the crap we still manage to get together in the backyard with the twinkling lights, and celebrate with family simply because we are FAMILY.

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Super Mom needs a hug, prayer, a cleaning lady, a cook, a massage, a coffee, a babysitter……….

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I’ve been on hiatus from this blog thing. Pretty much because I’m too tired to write my thoughts down anymore. Actually I have a lot of posts that I started when I had this urge to write it out, and then a child distracted me and I never finished them. So maybe, just maybe in the far off future I will finish some of my thoughts. Today might in fact be one of those days.

I was going to write about how as moms we need to just take a deep breath and relax. Then I felt like a hypocrite because I’m the personification of not taking a deep breath and relaxing. In fact I don’t think I even know how to actually relax. The only time  I don’t keep going is because I’m so exhausted I can’t physically move. :) I think I’m in that mode today. In fact, my almost 5 yr old & 2 year old are playing video games as I write this poignant piece. That’s right VIDEO GAMES! I despise video games, but right now I’m too tired to even care.

The reason I even ventured onto my cobweb filled blog was because there was a mama that touched my heart yesterday & I wanted to tell her that I would carry her burden for her. That if I could be Super Mom for her I would do it. I would take her responsibilities, worries, frustrations, anger, exhaustion, and just toss it up on my shoulders & carry it for her for as long as I could bear it. She broke my heart. Not because I don’t think that she’ll master this season in her life, but because as a mom myself I know the push or the idea we place in our own heads about what we’re supposed to be doing. How we are supposed to BE. We carry the worries and burdens of our families. We carry the worries and burdens of ourselves. We carry the frustration and heartbreak of things we cannot control. Because let’s face it ladies we  want to make it better for everyone. For ourselves. For our kids. Our spouses. If we could be a Fairy Godmother to those around us I think we would.

I have honestly sat back and watched this mama & say to myself ” I don’t know how she does it. She makes me tired just thinking about all the things she’s committed herself too”. And then I want to shake her & say just slow down! Relax! Don’t run all over everywhere! Just be! She is always smiling. She is always saying I’m fine, but yesterday she finally let go. Inside I was like yay!! But then I realized if this sweet cheeks of a lady was letting her hurt show then she must really be hurting!! It made me cry! It made me pray more than I have in a long time. I want God to give her peace, strength, and shower her with love. I want all of her stresses in life to be healed. I want the devil to get the middle finger for causing all this crap.

She’s not Super Mom or Super Woman. She is simply a woman, mom, wife, daughter, friend who needs the help of other women who knows exactly what she’s going through. Who are there to lift her up in prayer or bring her dinner or lend an ear.  I think we all need that. Regardless of the season of life we’re in or the ages of our children. Mom’s need that community of women to hold them up when they can’t lift a finger. When the burden of the world has been dumped right at their front door & no amount of cleaning can make that mess go away.

I’m bad at that myself. I’m a part of multiple moms groups via Facebook or Meet up or  Instagram. I rarely if ever actually go out to a meet up & have grownup conversation with moms who are going through the same things. It takes more energy for me to get the kids ready & out of the house to go so pretty much every time I don’t go. I found this meme on Instagram & couldn’t help but post it on my account because it explains the struggle:

“My life is a struggle of constantly wanting to go out and have fun with people and also avoiding human contact at the same time”

When I do manage to get together with a friend or other moms my tank has been refueled and I feel like a normal person again, but I go far too long to get it filled up again. I’m pretty much running on fumes EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This is when I’m hoping other moms out there can enable their ability to read minds and just know that I need someone or that any mom needs someone. Mine needs fine tuning, but maybe in the future I’ll be able to see other moms out there who may need help or a coffee or a night out or dinner brought to them even if they didn’t just have a baby. Sometimes us moms just need dinner to be cooked for us rather than wondering how or what we’re feeding our families EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

So this week I’m going to help out that mama I was talking about. I’ll drag my kids with me & we’ll have a gaggle of children while we “organize” or complain or pray or cry or laugh or all of the above.  I’m hoping we’ll be able to fill our tanks, and manage to make ourselves feel more like people and not like the crazy zombie like creatures we play on t.v. Shoot! I might even put make-up on. Then again I might not.

SO to the mama out there that I’m talking about. You know who you are. Dang! I hope she reads this. You are a gem my friend! You are light to so many young & old. I know you are wading your way through a lot of garbage these days, but know that I’m here for you. I’m here praying. I’m here to call, text, message, or whatever. It’s ok to breakdown and allow yourself time to just let go. Allow yourself to not run all over the world & do things WHATEVER those things are.   You are only human which means you aren’t Super Woman!! So take a breath! Reach out for help with whatever that is for you, and know that I love you and that so many do.

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Reading Hosea-By His help

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When I open my Bible to read Hosea there are days where I pray God touches my heart. That he speaks life into me through his Word. In fact, that was yesterday when I read chapter 11. I even blogged about it. Today I opened my Bible in an attempt to just read it. Get through it, and be obedient to the task I’ve given myself. Tonight I read chapter 12. Again there was nothing that really struck me, but when I get on here to write it out it begins to reveal itself to me. I begin to see it as I didn’t see it before. This is my Bible Study. This is how I hash it out.

“So you, by the help of your God, return, hold fast to love and justice and wait continually for your God” Hosea 12:6

Love and Justice.

I love reading what She Reads Truth has to say about the assigned reading for that day. It helps focus me. Helps me see what God is trying to say. This is the verse that is focused on. It breaks it down, but I really focused in on the love and justice part.

This is what She Reads Truth had to say:
“Hold fast to love and justice. We should walk as image-bearers in all things, trying to be like our Father. If He lives in holy justice and love, so should we. We can praise Him for both the ways He is just and fair beyond fair, while walking in the great love He poured out by sending His son to pay the just penalty we owed.”

We should be image-bearers! We should be Christ-like. Half the time I’m thinking well the only one who could do that is Christ Himself. I fail miserably day after day after day. I mean really I do. There is a constant thought process going on in my head. Ok so we’re supposed to be like Christ. We are supposed to love. Christ IS love. So daily I strive to be loving. Whew! I kinda suck at it I think. Like I really suck at it some days. Maybe I’m confusing patience with love. But it’s a part of it. Like today I woke up with great intentions. Today was going to be a GREAT day! I have been battling a cold straight from H. E. Double hockey sticks & it has brought me down. I feel miserable, but as a stay-at-home-mommy there is no such thing as sick time so I had to do what I do. Slowly as the day progressed I began to slowly lose my grip on love and patience and slip into crabby, tired, sick, frustrated mommy. Each time that happened I seriously was thinking “WWJD”!??!? Corny, right? But true. I mean how would Jesus handle this day? With Love? That’s what I hear. That’s what I’m told. Then I’m like ok I can do this I can handle this. I. GOT. This. Then my 16 month old has a meltdown because I didn’t give her a “Ba” (banana) & I’m thinking, ‘You know what He was Jesus for a reason. I’m Audra. I don’t roll like that”

We are supposed to be Christ-like. We are supposed to maintain LOVE and JUSTICE. Sometimes I don’t know how to balance that. After reading She Reads Truth I thought I would see what the study portion of my Bible had to say about the verse:

“The two principles that Hosea call his nation to live by, love and justice, are at the very foundation of God’s character. They are essential to His followers, but they are not easy to keep in balance. Some people are loving to the point that they excuse wrongdoing. Others are just to the extent that they forget love. Love without justice, because it is not at aiming at a higher standard, leaves people in their sins. Justice without love, because it has no heart, drives people away from God. To specialize in one at the expense of the other is to distort our witness. Today’s church, just like Hosea’s nation, must live by both principles.”

I would say that I lean towards more Justice. I wouldn’t say without love, but Justice tips the scales for me. I’m more you made the choice now deal with the consequences kind of person. I know that I’m this way, but it really hit home when I was eating lunch with a co-worker a few years back. He said, “Audra, you’re a brass tacks kind of girl”. I wasn’t even sure what to think when he said it. He said that I just say how it is and that’s it. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I’m still trying to figure it out. However, that day I started to realize a little more that perhaps I could love more than be “just”. The hard part is knowing when to be or do both.

Even in the small things. It’s learning to be loving when disciplining my son. Which is hard sometimes. For me and for him. It’s dealing with justice, but loving him through it. I struggle more with adults or teenagers when it comes to love. I wield my justice sword a lot rather than throwing a little love in there. It’s a balance. A dance. I need to learn the steps.

The best part is the beginning of the verse:
“So you, by the HELP of your God………….

With he help from God. It means I lean on Him daily. I need to lean on Him daily. That He is always there and I can learn the balance, the dance, with Help from Him.

When mom is sick

So there aren’t many perks when your husband is unemployed, but when I’m sick having him home is helpful. He takes care of the kids, cooks breakfast, fixes lunch, cooks dinner or gets take out, changes diapers, does dishes, & let’s me nap.
So wouldn’t ya know it. He got a call for a few days of work. I went to bed super early last night, and by super early I mean 10 pm. And when I say I went to bed I mean I physically got into bed, but grabbed my Kindle and started reading. Anyway, From 12:45 am up until 6 am my little munchkin woke up 5 times. The universe was against me from the start. Which means I was grumpy this morning, but trying to desperately embrace the moment and not let my sour mood dictate my day.
Being sick is miserable. Being sick with littles is miserable x infinity. 😷
I still have to cater to everyone while trying to not overdo it. So far Eisley has managed to spill juice on my freshly mopped floor. Ok so I mopped yesterday cause I couldn’t stand it even though my hubs was trying to grab the mop out of my hands. She’s also managed to spill hot chocolate in the EXACT spot she spilled the juice & then proceeded to dump her Cheerios underneath the table so the dog would eat them.

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Plus it’s been a poop fest over here. The one that never poops let the floodgates open & the one that always poops continued to poop. Sorry no pictures of that.
Plus, the house has gone awry. It’s a hot mess.

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No pretty filters for these pics. That’s all you get to see. There’s a limit to the shame I’m comfortable with showing. Use your imagination. Plus, no Awana’s for us tonight. 😞 we don’t want to spread the love & my mommy is bringing us dinner.
Please Lord let this sickness pass quickly. It’s sucks!
And just for fun a photo dump:

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Reading Hosea – He is true King and Creator

It’s been a few days since I read Hosea. Right now my baby is sleeping, my hubby is working, & my son is with grandma.
I keep telling myself I have to read. I have to catch up. I’m going to catch up today. Three days worth of reading will be done today. An hour into my babies nap I figure I don’t have much quiet time left so I turn of the t.v. and set down my current crochet project. I walk into the office/laundry room/spare room & sit the computer to jump on She Reads Truth. I grab my journal & my Bible. I write down the verses that need to be read for one of the days I missed. I read & then I get back onto the site to read the study portion. I guess that’s what you call it.
Hosea 8 is about God’s anger with the Israelites. How they’ve turned other things into their gods. How they would cry out to him, and how they disregarded Him until they were up against it.

“They sow the wind
and reap the whirlwind.
The stalk has no head;
it will produce no flour.
Were it to yield grain,
foreigners would swallow it up.”
Hosea 8:7

It’s funny how I thought I was just going to read what I missed and sort of carry on with my day. But then I of course read what She Reads Truth had to say. What the focus was. And nothing is ever a coincidence. That exact verse is what the focus was about, and as always it shined a lot on exactly what I do. What everyone does.

Why did I miss 3 days of reading Hosea? I was tired. I was busy with my kids, with my family, with helping a mama out, with getting through my post partum doula manual, with crocheting, with checking facebook for the hundredth time, with the laundry list of things in my head. Not once did I think I had enough time to open the Bible & take the 10 minutes it takes just to get the Word into my heart.

The Israelites made idols out of inanimate objects. When I read about their Golden calf I think they are complete & total idiots. Actually I’m kind of getting off track here. Sort of.

As a mom I feel that I must constantly be on the go. Constantly be doing something. I’m caring for my children, my family 24/7. No days off. No sick time. No vacation time. No alone bathroom time. It’s literally a family affair when I have to go to the bathroom. Suddenly, everyone needs me right when I have to pee. Even the dog. No joke. I have no time. Then I get in this vicious cycle of what else am I supposed to be doing with myself? Am I supposed to be a SAHM forever? Do I want to be? Do I love it? Should I be a Work-At-home-mom? Should have this cute trendy business where I look super stylish & trendy with the cutest kids on the block? Do I learn to sew so that I can make the cutest trendiest accessories for babies the world ’round? Do I blog so that I can suddenly be discovered and be like the Pioneer Woman or The Busy Budgeting Mama or The Wellness Mama, or Nesting Place?? I wish I could be these woman. Do I study this Post Partum Doula Manual and start my own business helping mama’s through the 4th trimester? What do I do? There is a constant need in me or maybe I feel it because social media has created it. I don’t know. There is this need to do more or be more or focus 24/7 on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Esty, & the billion other social media sites out there. I mean EVERYONE has some kind of following somewhere & the more people you follow the more you’ll be popular. You’ll get out there in the sphere of knowing everyone, but knowing no one.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. I get irate with my husband because he’s on his phone constantly. I mean constantly. I get so so so so so mad! But you know what…………I’m mad at myself because I’m just as guilty if not MORE of doing what I accuse him of. I do it obsessively. It’s kind of ridiculous. There has to be a support group out there for people who spend more time on social media then with REAL people. Don’t get me wrong. I know great connections are made through the interwebs. It’s just that all that connecting with people out there makes you disconnect from the people around you & with what should be the focus.

All of that said to bring it back to Hosea. They worshipped idols of their own making.
“They set up kings without my consent, they choose princes without my approval. With their silver and gold, they make idols for themselves to their own destruction” Hosea 8:4

This is what I DO!! I do!! Me! Right here! The mom in her yoga pants who is on facebook too much, the mom who wishes she was like those other cool trendy fashionista moms, the mom who hasn’t started that at-home business that everyone thinks she would be great at. The mom who feels so overwhelmed that she does everything else rather than pick up the Bible and connect with her Creator. The Creator that knows what she is capable of. The Creator that doesn’t expect her to be all & do all. The Creator who has a plan for her, and it might not be all the things she thinks, but that it might just be to be that awesome mom who spends time with her family, that focuses her time on Him, & shows her kids that Christ is REAL! That Christ is the way, the truth, the life!

So then that verse rings in my head again:
Hosea1

When will I spend more time on what will nourish my soul?

When will we stop sowing the wind and reaping the whirlwind?
When will we stop tending the stalks that grow no grain?
When will we stop being swallowed up by our idolatry?

I can easily put an “I” where the “we” is. When will I???

Reading Hosea – We return but He comes to us

Hosea

Usually after reading Hosea for the day I can’t stop my fingers from flying across the keyboard, but tonight is different somehow.

Twos verses stood out to me:
Hosea 6:4 “What can I do with you, Ephraim?
What can I do with you, Judah?
Your love is like the morning mist,
Like the early dew that disappears.”

The last 2 lines of the verse are what struck me. Their loyalness and faithfulness only lasted as long as the dew lasts in the morning before it evaporates. I could only relate it to myself when I leave church on Sundays. If I go at all that is. I feel His presence when I’m there. When I leave though is the test. Life gets to me. Life breaks me down. Some created because my constant worry or my constant need to push myself or rely only on myself or whatever it may be. I walk out of church and it’s like I immediately zone in on the 5 million things that I have to get done when I get home. The list of things that need to get done during the week and so on. And just like that my faithfulness has evaporated. It happens that quick sometimes. I mean in the blink of an eye I feel it all falling in on me. My kids see it. I want them to see something else. I want them to see the spirit of God on me everyday. I know the “life” happens, but I want them to see that HE is life. I want them to see me go to Him when I feel shackled to the everyday. I want them to not see a frazzled mom, but a mom that takes it to God and rolls with it. Anyway, this verse is not lost on me. I see myself in it.

Which leads me to the next verse. Initially this didn’t knock the wind out of me or start a blubbering sob fest. It took a bit of time to percolate before it really got under my skin.

“So he got up and went to his father. ‘But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and he was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” Luke 15:20

This is about the Prodigal son. The sheer joy and break from custom that this father showed when he realized his son had returned is kind of unbelievable. I sat here on my couch re-reading that verse and trying to imagine one of my uncles doing this. Trying to imagine my husband, my Uncle Larry, my Uncle Steve, or even my brother running towards me with pure joy all over their faces. I started laughing out of the ridiculousness of it. I wish I could say it was a small voice or a loud voice or God started texting me, but it was just this quick whisper of a thought ” Can you imagine me doing that for you?”

Can you imagine that? I’m trying. I’m really trying. I feel like there’s a battle going on with what I know. With what I’ve been studying. With what I can feel, and then there’s the other part where I can’t imagine why God would love me so deeply. It’s something still so hard for me to comprehend and yet I know logically he does. Is any of this making sense?

That question is on a loop in my head. Each time I try to picture Christ running towards me. CHRIST RUNNING TOWARDS ME!!!! Even that part is hard for my brain to make into a picture. Then he throws his arms around ME and kisses ME! It’s like a feel a brush of a kiss when I think about it, but it’s not a reality that I can wrap my brain around. But oh how I want to collapse into His arms, and cry a million tears that I cry alone. How I want to fall into his lap, and tell Him I’ve always believed, but sometimes Satan chewed me up and spit me out. Oh How I want Him to know that even when I doubted Him. Even when I was angry with Him that I still believed it’s just I didn’t always keep my eye on the ball.

Reading Hosea – When we run He is in control

So I opened my Bible tonight out of sheer obedience. I can’t say that anything really knocked the wind out of me. Nothing really grasped at my heart and made me “see the light”. Maybe it was the fight I just had with my husband. That’ll knock the wind out of your sails and want to say WHATEVER! Maybe is was my day training for my Post Partum Doula Certification and helping a mama out. Maybe it was my tiredness of washing yet another dish. I’m finally seeing why bachelors just buy paper plates and plastic ware. Even right now with the profound words I just read I’m still half asleep.

Yet I still feel the need to acknowledge that I read the next Chapter in Hosea.

If I could just copy & pastes this whole chapter it would be worth it. It’s about Israel’s sin & Their complete lack of faithfulness to God. Wow! Even right now reading it to (Sadly) refresh my memory of what I read makes my jaw drop. I mean this is beyond ridiculous! Even the priests were like, “Ya I did that & bought the t-shirt”. I mean they weren’t even following God. They weren’t even teaching God. They were doing what they wanted too, and the Israelites were like, ” Well, that Priest over there is doing it so it must be ok”. I mean if a Priest jumped off a bridge would you do it too?

Hosea 4:5
“You stumble day and night,
and the prophets stumble with you.
So I will destroy your mother -“

A complete disregard for God. For the things of God. Sounds like our world today. If I had to be truthful………

If I had to be truthful….. then it sounds like me. I mean really if I had to look deep into my soul. My disregard for God may not be in the way of the Israelites. By no means really. But it’s a disregard nonetheless. With that being said after I finished reading the chapter I than went on to read the little blurb that She Reads Truth has about what was just read. These are the morsels of truth that kind of woke me up to what I was reading. The meaning behind it all.

“The chasm of sin grows wider and we run faster, but our God changes not. He is still sovereign, even as we flee.”

“God does not force Israel to stay, for forcing is not the way of Love.” Forcing is NOT the way of LOVE! Bam! Seriously, BAM! I often and way too often wonder why God just didn’t make us do what he wanted. Why did He give us free will. IN the end it seems like such a tragedy that the world has turned into what it is today. Or even what it was during Hosea’s time. But this little line made it click. I mean what does anyone get out of forcing one to love them? Certainly not love.

The these 4 lines made my heart stir. HE CHERISHES US!
“We are sinful. He is steadfast.
We are fearful. He is faithful.
We are broken. He binds up.
We cherish idols. He cherishes us.”

And then this one is my favorite. I should have this tattooed on my wrist so I see it daily.

“His love and affection toward us do not change, no matter the depth of our sin.”

This one is hard for me to grasp. Think of the things we’ve done to God. Then imagine that someone has done those things to us. Could we still continue to love? Could we still continue to pursue? Could we still continue to cherish? I don’t know. My humanness can’t fathom that.

Reading Hosea – “I will betroth you to me Forever”

So I’ve gotten behind in my reading already. I know I know. Right this very instant I’m catching up, but then my mind started going and I had to get it out my blogging. Of course.

Oh Hosea!!! This guy KNEW he was going to marry a chick who would not be giving sexy time only to him! HE KNEW THIS and he still married her. God told him Gomer is going to tell you you’re the only one, but you won’t be. You’ll be shattered. You’ll be heart broken. You’ll be angry, But….. you’ll forgive her time and again. You’ll take her back. Because you LOVE HER! MIND BLOWN!!! I mean who would do that?? Think about it. Your spouse has done the UNTHINKABLE. Shattered their vows. Basically spit in your face, and after all of that. After all of the heart break, lies, shame, and anger. You place your arms around your spouse and say I FORGIVE YOU!!! I don’t know about you, but I’d be more likely to punch my husband in the face then to forgive and stay with him. At least that’s my initial reaction!!

As I’m reading Chapter 2, yes, like I said I missed a few days. My throat starts to tighten up and I’m trying to hold back the tears. I’m really trying to put myself in that place and then I realize that this is God! That He LOVES me this much! That all those times I’ve “cheated” on Him He still wants me back. He forgives me no matter how much I’ve done to break His heart.

Do you SEE?!?!???! Do you see what Gomer did to Hosea?? She even had children from other men. Such a disgrace & he took her back! God has done this so many times, and I Still struggle with embracing WHO HE IS!! I still can’t believe that anyone much less God could love me unconditionally, and He knows EVERYTHING I’ve done. Everything I think! Even as I type this I’ve taken many breaks to grasp what my heart is beginning to understand. In this moment. Right now. I’m hoping is sticks.

Hosea

This scripture broke me down. I was reading along. Ready to move on. Ready to read more of the Bible study and BAM! Just like that this verse knocked the wind out of me.
“I will betroth you to me FOREVER” Hosea 2:19

I don’t know what that means to you, but to me it just blew me away. He wants me forever. He Loves me forever. He will fight for me forever. I am Gomer! HE is Hosea!!! And yet HE LOVES ME!!