Manic Monday

This is where she ate soap

This is where she ate soap


Today is Monday………………..

I feel like I don’t need to write much more because everyone will understand. For some reason I also feel like I need to put this out in the blogosphere and get it off my chest. Maybe it’ll make me feel less anxious.

Today was filled with busyness on my end. I spent the whole day applying for CalFresh or what others call…… food stamps. California is trying to spin it in a positive light or some kind of light, but nothing is more difficult then to come to a place such as this and not have some kind of shame or frustration or embarrassment. Yes, I just put that out there. Food Stamps. This is where I’m at in my life right now and it is hard. My husband is currently unemployed and wouldn’t you know it I’m a stay-at-home-mom. It is really hard to write it, to put it out there, and yet that’s what I’m doing. The hubs is actively looking for work, and applying for everything in his field. I have dusted off my resume and I’m trying to explain my 4 year absence from the work force. I’ve sat and stared at my computer screen a lot more than I’ve freshened up my resume. Which means I’ve stared at it, typed, erased, typed, erased, and then walked away in frustration to return to it at some later date.

So there’s that. Then my knight and shining armor watched our kiddos while I did some exhaustive work applying for CalFresh. Who knew you had to have the blood of your first born child on hand to get this stuff???? You don’t, but it certainly feels like I should have that on hand just in case they need it. Gah!! I did sort of forget something important. I never ended up getting my daughters birth certificate after she was born so now I have to go to the county office to get that. Fun!! It’s only been 15 months. No biggie.

To really understand my day it went something like this:

6:50 am: Eisley wakes up crying & screaming “Mama, MAMA, MAAAMAAAA, MAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
I ignore her. Although she’s right next to me in her Pak N Play

7:00 am: Cash starts stirring & waking up. Eisley hears the sound of his movement and begins to cry for me more.

7:04 am: I turn over & grab her to lay next to Cash and I. This is where I should explain that I stayed at my moms last night because the house we rent has some “issues” with lack of insulation and the house heating up like an oven no matter how much the AC runs.

7:30 am: We finally get out of bed. I quickly rush breakfast so that I can get home & start ticking off things on my To Do list.

9:00 am: Get the kids in the truck, drive home, & I don’t remember what I did.

9:25ish am: Get home drop all our things in the living room and start bustling around, Laundry, sweeping, feeding kids.

9:30am – 2:30pm: Hole myself up in the office/spare room/laundry room (Multi-purpose room)
Spend FOREVER applying, scanning, typing, hitting the back key too many times where it logs me out completely & I have to start over. All the while Eisley is screaming MAAAAMAAAAA A LOT. I did take a break to put her down for a nap & grab something to eat. Oh I did some laundry too.

2:30pm I come out of my cave & realized I haven’t grocery shopped and I don’t know what we’ll do for dinner.

3:30 pm: Panic cause I still haven’t made a grocery list & we don’t have much food in the house. Manage to figure something out for dinner. Meanwhile I send Brandon to the store to buy Alfredo Sauce & French Bread.

3:30-6:00pm Cooking dinner, more office work, and playing with kids, changing diaper, etc

6:40pm : Dinner is over.

7:00pm: Brandon heads out with Cash to take him to the park while I bathe Eisley. This is when she ate soap & cried the rest of the bath

7:30-8:00 Bath over, she peed on me, & story time.

8:00-10:00 pm: Both kids fought bedtime & I still haven’t written out my grocery list.

That was my day & I know you all are excited I stopped to write about it. I feel better. :)

And then she peed on me

And then she peed on me

…..and she laughs without fear of the future.

I can see her. She is fearless. Worn by time. Worn by life. Worn by fighting the unseen. Striving to always be good enough. Trying to fight the battles she hides from others. She has fought through years from one side to the other.

In the beginning………….

She was full of fear. Full of questions. Full of tears. Wondering what the future held. Wondering why these things had to happen. Questioning. Always questioning. With each question she received no answers. The silence filled her up. She began to wonder if there really was an answer to any of her questions.

And then………………..she laughs without fear of the future.

I love this verse Proverbs 31:25
She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

The first time I read this my throat tightened up and I could barely squeak out a word. Tears fell from my eyes and I looked up and prayed to God to make me just like her. Strength. Dignity. Beautiful to me. What struck me was she laughs without fear of the future. SHE LAUGHS! Laughs as if whatever the future holds will not phase her. Will not sway her. Will not cause her to stumble. Will not falter her. Anything and everything can come her direction and SHE. LAUGHS. I try to imagine from my lense what that could possibly look like. I can’t quite see it. For fear has seemed to set up shop in mind, heart, and soul.

I imagine that she was once like me. Fearful of what could be. Fearful of what has already happened. Fearful of what she knows is to come. Fearful of the present. A laundry list of fears. Yet she has come through it and …..”she laughs without fear of the future”.

When I grow up I want to be her.

Mom’s Night Out

My friend From Faye threw down a challenge. She challenged me to start blogging again. She challenged me to write about the 5 best toddler activities that I’ve actually done with my toddler. I’m here to say ……… this is not that blog post. I tried to get the juices flowing, but it disappeared quicker than Lois Lerner’s e-mails.

So as I wipe away these virtual cobwebs I thought I’ll accept her challenge to start blogging again. At least this one time.

Towards the end of the day I started planning my escape. My husband comes home from work, dinner, dishes, getting the kids off to bed, and that’s when I’m too tired to actually escape, But TODAY was a different day! I did everything except put the kids to bed and then I headed out the door. I’ve been wanting to ride the carousel at the Nut Tree all week. Every morning this week I’ve been determined to pack up the kids and head the 35ish minutes to ride that blasted carousel. And as usual I talk myself out of it by going through my long laundry list in my head which prevents me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I guess that’s why my husband says I’m not the fun one. TODAY though TODAY I was going to throw caution to the wind and head out all by myself to ride that carousel. I had visions of fun, laughter, iPhone photography, creativity, watching the sunset, and then heading over to my friends house for a quick catch-up, head home, walk into my house relaxed and rested, and then head to bed.

Here’s what really happened…………………..

As I was headed toward my destination I realized I had no idea when the carousel stopped running. It was 7:30pm and I didn’t have a clue as to whether or not it was already closed or if they had summer hours. So I texted my friend and prayed that she’d answer immediately. No dice. So I keep driving and thinking and driving and thinking and thinking and thinking. Which happens to be a dangerous thing when I want to be spontaneous. My thinking won out so I thought I’d pull into a parking lot somewhere and just check to see what time they closed. After a few minutes of searching on my handy iPhone I discovered that the carousel stops running at 5:30 pm. Boom! Spontaneity gone!

I sat in that parking lot wondering what to do next. My inner struggle went something like this:
I can just go home and help Brandon put the kids to be. No! I’m going to do something fun! I’m ALWAYS doing what I’m supposed to. This is my night and I’m going to do something. What IS there to do? I could go to a cool hipster coffee shop and contemplate my future. Or read. Or Blog. Ah no! I don’t want coffee I want to sleep tonight. Hmm…maybe I’ll go get a tattoo. ( This is where I try to Google search the tattoo parlor one of my friends frequents) I wonder how much it would cost? Probably too expensive. We still have bills to pay and the birthday party is Saturday and I still haven’t bought all the food for it yet. I have to pick up the tables & chairs for the party and I still have to get gas. I wonder what kind of tattoo I should get? Maybe just a small tattoo. That won’t cost much, right? What’s the cost of tattoos these days? Ugh! Nevermind I’m not going to get a tattoo. I could just crawl in my backseat and take a little nap. That’s if it wasn’t full of car seats and snack crumbs, clothes, baby carriers, garbage. What happened to my truck!!?!??! I REALLY need to clean my truck out this weekend. My poor truck! So disgusting! I’ve been trying to clean this thing out since 2010. This truck used to be my baby. So did my dog. Before kids. Oh we need dog food.
And then it happened………..like a beacon in the night Target heard my cry. I looked in my rearview mirror in that moment and realized I had parked in a Target parking lot y’all!!! That’s my southern alter ego coming out. She comes out only on occasions like these.
I had no idea I pulled into a parking lot that would lead me to the Stay-at-home Moms mini getaway spot. I parked so far in the back and didn’t even realize it. So I grabbed my purse and gave into that beautiful sign. I grabbed a shopping cart and wandered that store far longer than I should have. I didn’t want to be there anymore, but I didn’t want to go home either. I walked every inch of that store and then I finally bought my things and headed home. I’d like to say that when I got home I was refreshed, but I was more tired than when I left. I felt like I squandered my spontaneity time with a flippin trip to Target. Getting things I NEEDED and nothing I wanted.

Oh wait! I did watch the sunset though. I watched it set right behind that big ol’ Target.

Any other moms out there have a night of spontaneity that didn’t go as planned?

Critically Critical

It’s Friday night and my greatest accomplishment is that I’ve managed to mop my kitchen floor. It’s been 2 weeks……… ok it’s been like 3 ish weeks and it desperately needed it. My Friday nights rock!!

I’m in confession mode. Or maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I’m really struggling with this particular issue. I pick D) all of the above.

I’m going to pour my heart out to all that will stumble across this long abandoned blog. I suffer from compareatinitis. This is my feeble attempt to be witty and make up a word. Which apparently I don’t rock at. I confess that I compare myself to other mothers!! GASP!! The horror!! I know, right? Who does that!?!?!? Me. Everyday. All day. It seems that way lately. In this social media world with Pinterest, Blogs, websites, and anything else I can manage to stumble upon. It shows a world in which Super moms exist not only to run a stellar house, but now they blog about it. They blog about how to clean, entertain, homeschool, be a fashionista, cook, be green,interior design, have a wonderful marriage, run a business from home, etc, etc, etc…………….

Then there’s Pinterest which connects me to all the blogs and shows me how I pale in comparison to all these super moms.

For example: I’m not the girliest girl out there. I haven’t always been the make-up/hair stylin kind of girl. I prided myself on going make-up free & not caring. All the while wishing I could be that girl that loved all that girly stuff. So lately in my attempt to be that girly girl & stay up-to-date on the cutest hair styles/make-up/fashion trends I decided that I would do something cute, quick, & easy to my hair for a night out with friends. Ummmm……..never happened!! That quick 5 minute chic hair do that I was doing badly was making me cry. I spent so much time on that 5 minute quick hair-do that I began to lose feeling in my arms. I started tearing up. Said screw it. Slapped on my daring on trend red lipstick I just bought and prayed that it didn’t look like I was America’s Next Top Street Walker.

I wake up everyday with a laundry list of things to do and I never seem to accomplish them. Maybe I’m still adjusting to having 2 kids. A 4 month old and a 3 year old. I’m exhausted! I’m lucky enough to get a shower every 3 – 4 days. No joke. There are days where I think I’ve got this 2 kid thing down & then my little goose throws a tantrum because I took the lid of his yogurt and he wanted to do it or he couldn’t watch a show. Or one of those days where I’m looking forward to nap time & neither one of them nap or they sleep at opposite times so I have zero time to recharge my batteries or pee. Or I lose my cool and yell at my son when it wasn’t even worth getting upset about or how I would love to have at least 5 consecutive hours of sleep. Or my To Do list never seems to end & then I try to remind myself that babies grow up too fast & to enjoy my time with them. However, my self diagnosed OCD kicks in & I have to get everything done NOW. It’s this horrible cycle that I get into and I beat myself up because so & so does this, that, & the other and doesn’t even seem phased by it all. I am forever hard on myself and forever telling myself to CTFD.

I know that comparing myself to other “super” moms is ridiculous but it seems impossible to use logic when sleep deprivation makes it all so much BIGGER than it really is.

Then I stumble across this and read through tear-filled eyes knowing that this is what I do and knowing that it’s not helping me at all. This truth about what comparison does to your soul. How can I be present for my babies when I’m always comparing myself to others. When I’m down on myself because she has it all together. Or look this pinterest mom says you should never say this to your son, but only this because if you don’t then he’ll grow up to hate woman. I feel like I’m forever screwing up, not measuring up to that woman over there, and all the while robbing myself and my kids of a mom they love no matter what. They love me just the way I am with my typical hair in a pony look, wearing the clothes I wore to bed the night before, and long since abandoning all modesty and peeing with the door open. They don’t care and maybe I shouldn’t either.

Confession of an Imposter Domestic Goddess Part…..3?

I’m already losing track……Mommy brain! It’s real!!

Confession #4 I don’t find cooking as enjoyable as I did before kids.

I know I’m a terrible mother!!! Before babies and when I was first married I looked forward to cooking meals. Baking. Creating. Making up as I went along. Impressing my hubs with all my mad cooking skills in the kitchen and making him enjoy food that was fresh and not processed. Now that my baby girl is here and I have a full of life toddler cooking/baking seems much more like a chore.

Like right now. I’m making a grocery list. BORING!!!! Actually right now I’m blogging while I should be making grocery list. Figuring out meals for the rest of the week! Double Boring!!!! All the while trying to stick to a budget along with trying to stick with a Paleo menu so that my baby girl doesn’t stay up in the wee hours of the morning gassy!! I know. Poor me, right? Infinity Boring!!!

I miss the days where I would find something to cook. Make a trip to the grocery store. Get all the ingredients and then create or follow a recipe. Whichever. Now I go through my cookbooks a.k.a Pinterest and try my hardest to find something yummy, Paleo worthy, and something that can stick to my budget. Not fun!

Cooking/baking would relax me. I enjoyed spending time in the kitchen playing with food. I would often think about the next fun thing I could create in the kitchen. The irony is I constantly think about food and what I’ll be cooking next but not in the way I used to. Like I said feels like a chore these days.

Break out the violins!

Anyone out there feel the same way? I hope I’m not alone

Confessions of an Imposter Domestic Goddess- Part 2

Confession # 3 This cake isn’t entirely from scratch. Meaning I did make the frosting & filling from scratch. I confess I used a box cake. Gasp!! I enjoy baking and I love experimenting with different cake recipes, but this mama was short on time. Plus having a toddler & and 2 1/2 month old I think I rocked this out!!!

The good thing is I won’t be having a Miranda Moment with this cake. This is my hubs birthday cake and he is taking the rest with him to work. Thank the Lord!!!

This cake is freakin delish!!! So worth making!!!!

If you have zero will power against yummy cake like myself refer to my previous post!

Dish Soap. Nuff said!

Update: I’m off my Paleo diet as of…..well….as of this morning when I actually had the chance to taste this glorious cake!! I’ve since had 4 very small pieces of cake. I’m wondering if I can get my husband to leave for work early so that I won’t have to throw his birthday cake in the garbage and pour pour dish soap on it.

Eating another piece in 5…..4…………3……………2……….

Confessions of an Imposter Domestic Goddess


Confession #1 I’ve pulled a Miranda before. Or I’ve had a “Miranda Moment” a time or two. What is this you may ask????

This is an episode from Sex and the City where Miranda is having a love affair with chocolate cake. She just can’t seem to stop eating the cake. In order to gain control of her obsession she throws the cake in the garbage only to return and grab bits and pieces of the cake to consume. Knowing she’s on her way to crazy town for doing something so, shall we say crazy, she gets dish soap and dumps it all over the cake. Triumphant, she walks away knowing she has slayed the dragon.

I’ve done this. A couple of times. Chocolate is my weakness. My kryptonite!!!

Confession #2 After personally pouring dish soap on my kryptonite I have “snuck” back into the kitchen and tried to find just a little piece that hadn’t been touched the dish soap. Yes……I know…..I know……

Babywise: Controversial or no big deal?

Whew!!!!!!!!!! It’s been ages since I posted anything on my blog. Sorry to say I just haven’t been feelin’ the blog world since my last post. However, I couldn’t bring myself to delete it so I thought I’ll post when the mood arises. And you guessed it….the mood has arisen.  Hmmm….is that grammatically correct?

So anywho, I was just reading a blog and she had mentioned that she uses Babywise with her twin daughters. Now, I have never read the book. I’ve basically gotten the run down from other blog posts and friends who use it. I know that some people are STRONGLY opposed to it while others are STRONGLY for it.  I did consider reading the book before I had my son, but I never got around to it.

I would say that before having a baby I was very much the type of person that was determined to have my baby not run my life. As I got closer to having my first baby I was beginning to realize that it might not be so cut and dry. Once I have my adorable son I was hit hard with the reality that was a newborn. Along with having our  son we discovered he had acid reflux, and locking him down tight with a feeding schedule. sleep schedule, and play schedule wasn’t going to happen. I was very stressed!!! Extremely stressed!!!  I think I was still trying to control what I couldn’t when it came to the acid reflux and getting him down for naps. Wasn’t happening. Even though there were/are skeptics out there that thought I was letting the acid reflux “control” me. Something I learned quickly with a reflux baby was that I couldn’t force a schedule on him. So it became more about seeing what he was doing and trying to make a schedule from that.

Now that I am pregnant with my second baby I realize that I’m going to go with the flow. I’m going to take my cues from this little bundle of joy and see how it goes. Now that doesn’t mean I’m all about attachment parenting, but neither am I for Babywise parenting either. Somewhere in the middle perhaps.

Again I have never read the book so I am curious what others think about.  Anyone out there a firm believer of the Babywise Method? Anyone strongly opposed to Babywise? Is there anyone who has used it, loved it, and then decided after so many babies that it was no longer for them?  I would love to hear from you out there. Feel free to sound off.

?????????????

What did I want to be when I grew up you may ask. Or most likely not.

I wanted to be so many things. Singer, dancer, photographer, teacher, cop, nurse, doctor, writer, pianist, super model, actress, chef, professional reader ( if this were only a profession I would be RICH!)

One day over lunch my friend and I were discussing our purposes in life. I have often felt that I really don’t have a “talent” per say. I don’t think that I excel at any one thing. So she asked me, “if you could be in your dream job write now what would it be”?  It felt like an eternity had passed before I answered her. My mind ticked off all the things that I had wanted to be. All the things I actually tried to be and only one thing remained. I tried this when I was a little girl, I tried this when I was in high school, I did this often in my journals. If I could be in my dream job or if I could be anything in the world what would I be? I looked at my friend and said,  “A Writer”.  The look on her face was one of shock. I wish I could’ve recorded her reaction. It was something I’ll never forget. She looked at me and said, “Really?  I never knew that”.  I realized that there was no way that she would’ve ever known that. I don’t talk about it much. I don’t write much anymore. People have seen me as a 9-5 girl, an amateur photographer, striving to be an ASL interpreter, wanting to become a doula, but I don’t think that anyone would really know that what I’ve always wanted to be was a writer.

My dream as a little girl was to write a novel. I desperately wanted to be an author!! Oh how I couldn’t wait to write my first novel. I would strategize on what my story would be about. As time went on my stories would change. I would begin writing and get so deep into the characters that I was lost in the story. I always had a hang up thought. First, trying to write a novel is so detailed. I’m not sure I’m in that caliber of writers.  Second, I would begin doubting myself as I often do.

I’m also an avid reader. Literally, since I could sound out words I devoured books. I lived in books. I couldn’t get enough of them!! The more I thought about actually trying my hand at writing the more I would begin doubting myself. I mean think about it. Have you read some of the books out there? Oh my gosh!!! They are so  in depth, so detailed, so all consuming. I’ve just never been sure I’m capable or at the level of some of these people.

Anyhow, this is how the blog started I suppose.  My #1 fan a.k.a. my other half thought it would be good for me to blog it out. So to speak.  He said I would be so good at it. I’d have so much to write about.   And what did I say? “Not so much”.  I mean I admit I certainly dove in to see what I could accomplish.  I realize that the blog world is HUGE!!! There are like super mom’s out there for real!! These women manage to do it all and then blog about it and make money at it.   I on the other hand can’t manage to keep the t.v. off long enough for want of a better activity for my toddler occasionally.  Some of these women are AH! MAZING!! at their writing skills. I am blown away.  For a time I really dove deep. I really tried to find my resources, expand my bloggy friends, and think of topics to write about. Hello! Is it just me or can this blog thing be exhausting? I mean more power to the peeps that make money doing it cause it’s A LOT OF WORK! You deserve to get paid.

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m saying here. I don’t have a theme to my blog. I’m a stay-at-home-mom, but does anyone care to know how awesome my son is?   Or that he IS the cutest kid on the planet. By the way that’s been officially settled. God and I had a chat and He said that my kiddo was the cutest! Just sayin.  I thought I could get my creative juices flowin with the blog and the writing and the whole thing. Lately, there is less than an ounce of creative in me. I’ve been debating politics non-stop it seems. Maybe that’s it! Maybe that’s why I can’t kick start my writing abilities.  If it is I blame you Nicole  & Patrick. You’ve sucked the creative right out of me!!

With all that randomness being said.  I’m not sure I’ll continue on in my blog career. I don’t know what to write about. Except for not knowing what to write about because apparently there’s a lot to write about when there’s nothing to write about. Go figure.  We shall see what the future holds.

This is the part where all my quiet followers ( If there are any) scream and yell via comments that I don’t give up. That I fight the good fight. That I keep on Keeping on!!!

Feel free to be one of those people :)