Critically Critical

It’s Friday night and my greatest accomplishment is that I’ve managed to mop my kitchen floor. It’s been 2 weeks……… ok it’s been like 3 ish weeks and it desperately needed it. My Friday nights rock!!

I’m in confession mode. Or maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I’m really struggling with this particular issue. I pick D) all of the above.

I’m going to pour my heart out to all that will stumble across this long abandoned blog. I suffer from compareatinitis. This is my feeble attempt to be witty and make up a word. Which apparently I don’t rock at. I confess that I compare myself to other mothers!! GASP!! The horror!! I know, right? Who does that!?!?!? Me. Everyday. All day. It seems that way lately. In this social media world with Pinterest, Blogs, websites, and anything else I can manage to stumble upon. It shows a world in which Super moms exist not only to run a stellar house, but now they blog about it. They blog about how to clean, entertain, homeschool, be a fashionista, cook, be green,interior design, have a wonderful marriage, run a business from home, etc, etc, etc…………….

Then there’s Pinterest which connects me to all the blogs and shows me how I pale in comparison to all these super moms.

For example: I’m not the girliest girl out there. I haven’t always been the make-up/hair stylin kind of girl. I prided myself on going make-up free & not caring. All the while wishing I could be that girl that loved all that girly stuff. So lately in my attempt to be that girly girl & stay up-to-date on the cutest hair styles/make-up/fashion trends I decided that I would do something cute, quick, & easy to my hair for a night out with friends. Ummmm……..never happened!! That quick 5 minute chic hair do that I was doing badly was making me cry. I spent so much time on that 5 minute quick hair-do that I began to lose feeling in my arms. I started tearing up. Said screw it. Slapped on my daring on trend red lipstick I just bought and prayed that it didn’t look like I was America’s Next Top Street Walker.

I wake up everyday with a laundry list of things to do and I never seem to accomplish them. Maybe I’m still adjusting to having 2 kids. A 4 month old and a 3 year old. I’m exhausted! I’m lucky enough to get a shower every 3 – 4 days. No joke. There are days where I think I’ve got this 2 kid thing down & then my little goose throws a tantrum because I took the lid of his yogurt and he wanted to do it or he couldn’t watch a show. Or one of those days where I’m looking forward to nap time & neither one of them nap or they sleep at opposite times so I have zero time to recharge my batteries or pee. Or I lose my cool and yell at my son when it wasn’t even worth getting upset about or how I would love to have at least 5 consecutive hours of sleep. Or my To Do list never seems to end & then I try to remind myself that babies grow up too fast & to enjoy my time with them. However, my self diagnosed OCD kicks in & I have to get everything done NOW. It’s this horrible cycle that I get into and I beat myself up because so & so does this, that, & the other and doesn’t even seem phased by it all. I am forever hard on myself and forever telling myself to CTFD.

I know that comparing myself to other “super” moms is ridiculous but it seems impossible to use logic when sleep deprivation makes it all so much BIGGER than it really is.

Then I stumble across this and read through tear-filled eyes knowing that this is what I do and knowing that it’s not helping me at all. This truth about what comparison does to your soul. How can I be present for my babies when I’m always comparing myself to others. When I’m down on myself because she has it all together. Or look this pinterest mom says you should never say this to your son, but only this because if you don’t then he’ll grow up to hate woman. I feel like I’m forever screwing up, not measuring up to that woman over there, and all the while robbing myself and my kids of a mom they love no matter what. They love me just the way I am with my typical hair in a pony look, wearing the clothes I wore to bed the night before, and long since abandoning all modesty and peeing with the door open. They don’t care and maybe I shouldn’t either.

Confession of an Imposter Domestic Goddess Part…..3?

I’m already losing track……Mommy brain! It’s real!!

Confession #4 I don’t find cooking as enjoyable as I did before kids.

I know I’m a terrible mother!!! Before babies and when I was first married I looked forward to cooking meals. Baking. Creating. Making up as I went along. Impressing my hubs with all my mad cooking skills in the kitchen and making him enjoy food that was fresh and not processed. Now that my baby girl is here and I have a full of life toddler cooking/baking seems much more like a chore.

Like right now. I’m making a grocery list. BORING!!!! Actually right now I’m blogging while I should be making grocery list. Figuring out meals for the rest of the week! Double Boring!!!! All the while trying to stick to a budget along with trying to stick with a Paleo menu so that my baby girl doesn’t stay up in the wee hours of the morning gassy!! I know. Poor me, right? Infinity Boring!!!

I miss the days where I would find something to cook. Make a trip to the grocery store. Get all the ingredients and then create or follow a recipe. Whichever. Now I go through my cookbooks a.k.a Pinterest and try my hardest to find something yummy, Paleo worthy, and something that can stick to my budget. Not fun!

Cooking/baking would relax me. I enjoyed spending time in the kitchen playing with food. I would often think about the next fun thing I could create in the kitchen. The irony is I constantly think about food and what I’ll be cooking next but not in the way I used to. Like I said feels like a chore these days.

Break out the violins!

Anyone out there feel the same way? I hope I’m not alone

Confessions of an Imposter Domestic Goddess- Part 2

Confession # 3 This cake isn’t entirely from scratch. Meaning I did make the frosting & filling from scratch. I confess I used a box cake. Gasp!! I enjoy baking and I love experimenting with different cake recipes, but this mama was short on time. Plus having a toddler & and 2 1/2 month old I think I rocked this out!!!

The good thing is I won’t be having a Miranda Moment with this cake. This is my hubs birthday cake and he is taking the rest with him to work. Thank the Lord!!!

This cake is freakin delish!!! So worth making!!!!

If you have zero will power against yummy cake like myself refer to my previous post!

Dish Soap. Nuff said!

Update: I’m off my Paleo diet as of…..well….as of this morning when I actually had the chance to taste this glorious cake!! I’ve since had 4 very small pieces of cake. I’m wondering if I can get my husband to leave for work early so that I won’t have to throw his birthday cake in the garbage and pour pour dish soap on it.

Eating another piece in 5…..4…………3……………2……….

Confessions of an Imposter Domestic Goddess


Confession #1 I’ve pulled a Miranda before. Or I’ve had a “Miranda Moment” a time or two. What is this you may ask????

This is an episode from Sex and the City where Miranda is having a love affair with chocolate cake. She just can’t seem to stop eating the cake. In order to gain control of her obsession she throws the cake in the garbage only to return and grab bits and pieces of the cake to consume. Knowing she’s on her way to crazy town for doing something so, shall we say crazy, she gets dish soap and dumps it all over the cake. Triumphant, she walks away knowing she has slayed the dragon.

I’ve done this. A couple of times. Chocolate is my weakness. My kryptonite!!!

Confession #2 After personally pouring dish soap on my kryptonite I have “snuck” back into the kitchen and tried to find just a little piece that hadn’t been touched the dish soap. Yes……I know…..I know……

Babywise: Controversial or no big deal?

Whew!!!!!!!!!! It’s been ages since I posted anything on my blog. Sorry to say I just haven’t been feelin’ the blog world since my last post. However, I couldn’t bring myself to delete it so I thought I’ll post when the mood arises. And you guessed it….the mood has arisen.  Hmmm….is that grammatically correct?

So anywho, I was just reading a blog and she had mentioned that she uses Babywise with her twin daughters. Now, I have never read the book. I’ve basically gotten the run down from other blog posts and friends who use it. I know that some people are STRONGLY opposed to it while others are STRONGLY for it.  I did consider reading the book before I had my son, but I never got around to it.

I would say that before having a baby I was very much the type of person that was determined to have my baby not run my life. As I got closer to having my first baby I was beginning to realize that it might not be so cut and dry. Once I have my adorable son I was hit hard with the reality that was a newborn. Along with having our  son we discovered he had acid reflux, and locking him down tight with a feeding schedule. sleep schedule, and play schedule wasn’t going to happen. I was very stressed!!! Extremely stressed!!!  I think I was still trying to control what I couldn’t when it came to the acid reflux and getting him down for naps. Wasn’t happening. Even though there were/are skeptics out there that thought I was letting the acid reflux “control” me. Something I learned quickly with a reflux baby was that I couldn’t force a schedule on him. So it became more about seeing what he was doing and trying to make a schedule from that.

Now that I am pregnant with my second baby I realize that I’m going to go with the flow. I’m going to take my cues from this little bundle of joy and see how it goes. Now that doesn’t mean I’m all about attachment parenting, but neither am I for Babywise parenting either. Somewhere in the middle perhaps.

Again I have never read the book so I am curious what others think about.  Anyone out there a firm believer of the Babywise Method? Anyone strongly opposed to Babywise? Is there anyone who has used it, loved it, and then decided after so many babies that it was no longer for them?  I would love to hear from you out there. Feel free to sound off.

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What did I want to be when I grew up you may ask. Or most likely not.

I wanted to be so many things. Singer, dancer, photographer, teacher, cop, nurse, doctor, writer, pianist, super model, actress, chef, professional reader ( if this were only a profession I would be RICH!)

One day over lunch my friend and I were discussing our purposes in life. I have often felt that I really don’t have a “talent” per say. I don’t think that I excel at any one thing. So she asked me, “if you could be in your dream job write now what would it be”?  It felt like an eternity had passed before I answered her. My mind ticked off all the things that I had wanted to be. All the things I actually tried to be and only one thing remained. I tried this when I was a little girl, I tried this when I was in high school, I did this often in my journals. If I could be in my dream job or if I could be anything in the world what would I be? I looked at my friend and said,  “A Writer”.  The look on her face was one of shock. I wish I could’ve recorded her reaction. It was something I’ll never forget. She looked at me and said, “Really?  I never knew that”.  I realized that there was no way that she would’ve ever known that. I don’t talk about it much. I don’t write much anymore. People have seen me as a 9-5 girl, an amateur photographer, striving to be an ASL interpreter, wanting to become a doula, but I don’t think that anyone would really know that what I’ve always wanted to be was a writer.

My dream as a little girl was to write a novel. I desperately wanted to be an author!! Oh how I couldn’t wait to write my first novel. I would strategize on what my story would be about. As time went on my stories would change. I would begin writing and get so deep into the characters that I was lost in the story. I always had a hang up thought. First, trying to write a novel is so detailed. I’m not sure I’m in that caliber of writers.  Second, I would begin doubting myself as I often do.

I’m also an avid reader. Literally, since I could sound out words I devoured books. I lived in books. I couldn’t get enough of them!! The more I thought about actually trying my hand at writing the more I would begin doubting myself. I mean think about it. Have you read some of the books out there? Oh my gosh!!! They are so  in depth, so detailed, so all consuming. I’ve just never been sure I’m capable or at the level of some of these people.

Anyhow, this is how the blog started I suppose.  My #1 fan a.k.a. my other half thought it would be good for me to blog it out. So to speak.  He said I would be so good at it. I’d have so much to write about.   And what did I say? “Not so much”.  I mean I admit I certainly dove in to see what I could accomplish.  I realize that the blog world is HUGE!!! There are like super mom’s out there for real!! These women manage to do it all and then blog about it and make money at it.   I on the other hand can’t manage to keep the t.v. off long enough for want of a better activity for my toddler occasionally.  Some of these women are AH! MAZING!! at their writing skills. I am blown away.  For a time I really dove deep. I really tried to find my resources, expand my bloggy friends, and think of topics to write about. Hello! Is it just me or can this blog thing be exhausting? I mean more power to the peeps that make money doing it cause it’s A LOT OF WORK! You deserve to get paid.

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m saying here. I don’t have a theme to my blog. I’m a stay-at-home-mom, but does anyone care to know how awesome my son is?   Or that he IS the cutest kid on the planet. By the way that’s been officially settled. God and I had a chat and He said that my kiddo was the cutest! Just sayin.  I thought I could get my creative juices flowin with the blog and the writing and the whole thing. Lately, there is less than an ounce of creative in me. I’ve been debating politics non-stop it seems. Maybe that’s it! Maybe that’s why I can’t kick start my writing abilities.  If it is I blame you Nicole  & Patrick. You’ve sucked the creative right out of me!!

With all that randomness being said.  I’m not sure I’ll continue on in my blog career. I don’t know what to write about. Except for not knowing what to write about because apparently there’s a lot to write about when there’s nothing to write about. Go figure.  We shall see what the future holds.

This is the part where all my quiet followers ( If there are any) scream and yell via comments that I don’t give up. That I fight the good fight. That I keep on Keeping on!!!

Feel free to be one of those people :)

Chubby hands on my face

Since my little goose was sick many weeks ago it’s been quite the transition to get him back in his own bed. I feel 100% better when he sleeps in bed with me when he’s sick just so I can be right there if I need to be. Plus, if he sleeps in his own bed I’d most likely be camped out in his room checking him every 5 seconds to make sure he was ok. Having him in my bed while he’s sick makes it comfortable for all involved. Sort of. The issue afterwards is getting him back in his bed. What tends to happen is we do our typical bedtime routine: brush teeth, put lotion on, change diaper, read story, pray, & then mom crawls into his little toddler bed with him and waits until he falls asleep.  Now sometimes I don’t mind this as it gives me time to just relax, but other times I feel like I’m being held hostage in his room. The slightest move and his eyes shoot open and he’s patting the bed saying, “mommy”. In his oh so adorable little voice that is hard to refuse.  Then there are other nights where I just leave and then we have a battle on our hands.

I have a bad habit though when I go to lie down with him. I take my addicting iphone with me so that I can waste time until he drifts off to sleep.  I often beat myself up with how I waste more time on the dreadful phone then just enjoy the quiet time with my baby. I admit that I do it pretty much all the time. Basically, cause I want him to fall asleep so that I can go back out and continue my 24/7 job as a SAHM.  However, last night I set my phone aside and just spent quiet time with my little goose.

In those moments last night I stared in awe at the fact that this little guy is mine. That I was abundantly blessed the day that I found out I was pregnant. That God entrusted me with such a sweet, outgoing, sometimes shy, happy, joyful little boy.  He looks just like me so that makes it all the more surreal.  Every time I take the time to just be with him I always start tearing up (like I am now).  I am just amazed that he is mine. I am amazed at how much LOVE I have for this little goose of mine. He is so precious to me! I cannot imagine my life without him and I can barely remember life before him.  He has taken my life and turned it upside down and right side up again. He makes me want to be a better wife, mother, christian, person.  He makes me want to learn all the martial arts/fighting styles in the world so that if anyone every hurts him I can fight back. Although Krav Maga seems pretty fierce!  He makes me want to discover new things and rediscover the old simply so that I can see it through his eyes. He makes me want to pull out my hair when I am at a loss as to how I can effectively discipline him and get the results I want.  He makes hugs and kisses the best part of my day.

So last night as we were lying in his bed he put both his little chubby hands on either side of my face, looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes and said, ” Mommy, I Uv Ew”.  I smiled and a little tear slid down my cheek.

I’m notorious for letting it all get to me. I can get wound up quick and worry about it all. But last night when he did that and then continued to hold my face and look at me and say mommy over an over. I didn’t have a care in the world. I didn’t care that I was being “held hostage” in his room.  I didn’t care about all his birthday party details. I didn’t care. I just wanted to stay there with his little chubby fingers on my face and never leave.

Encouraging words for Mamas

Ok so a couple of nights ago in my post Comparisons I mentioned the Gypsy Mama and her e-book: The Cheerleader for Tired Moms. I also mentioned that the second post in her e-book was the one that brought me to tears. Ok I’m not talking Oh how touching tears I’m talking full on sobs, but in a good way. I started reading it to the hubs and had to stop every few seconds to wipe away the tears that were falling down my face. Every time I stopped reading I would apologize to my hubby and then say, ” I don’t know why I’m crying so much”.

I don’t know what it was about that post that brought me to tears. Actually I do. As corny as it sounds this little e-book spoke to my soul. It spoke to what we all know happens to moms around the world yet we often times feel completely isolated with the overwhelming beautiful gift of being a mom. So when I read this e-book I immediately wanted to share it with every mommy out there that is feeling the same way and needs some words of encouragement. Words that would let them know that they are not alone. So I e-mailed The Gypsy Mama and asked her if I could share the post that she has in her e-book. Well, guess what!!! She actually e-mailed me back!! I was like Eek!!! Ya totally like Eeekkk! She said I could share it with the world as long as I direct everyone back to the original post. So without further ado I am going to give you a little morsel of it and then you all can go directly to her amazing blog that helps encourage mama’s like myself.

For the Days When You Want To Quit Motherhood

This post is for my little cousin, Bronwen, who’s at the one year mark of motherhood.

And it’s for you.

This post is for those days when “getting over yourself” is the last thing an exhausted, I-can’t-take-it-anymore, run down mother needs to hear.

Can I just take your sweet face between my hands and look into your tired eyes and tell you what you’re doing is exceptional?

Tell you that motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Period. And I’ve worked for the UN on counter human trafficking, for NGOs on the Aids and orphan crisis in South Africa, as well a corporate law firm.

And I still maintain that having the 24/7 responsibility of a child is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. By far.

Being at someone else’s literal beck and call will lay you low. It will rob you of a sense of self that can take time and tears to rediscover in this new identity of mother. Give yourself grace to realize that and to mourn the loss of who you were, before you begin to embrace the who you’re becoming.

There’s the morsel. So please click on the title to go read one of the best posts I’ve read about mommy’s. Us mama’s need to stick together.
Don’t forget to follow her blog so you can get the e-book.